Surprise? Not really.

So, here's a big surprise: I'm restless.

My landlord left me the new lease to sign this morning, and last night at the grocery store, I bought some plants, and I'm thinking about painting some of the walls...it's really hitting home for me what a radical change I am embracing in my life.

(I'll leave aside for a moment the irony I find inherent in the fact that my radical change is staying the same...but that's part of this, too.)

I'm plotting gardens and contemplating what color I want my kitchen. I'm starting to feel like this is my home, and I want to spend time in it, and I want to make it a place that's conducive to spending time in. It's really hitting me....this is my home, this is where I live. It's not just the place I'm staying anymore. Three years under the same roof, that's what I'm talking about here. Not just in the same city, the same state....the same building. It's so scary to me.

This edge-walking, this standing in a moment before the action that makes the choice material and real...it's a scary place. I'm not sure yet if this choice is a good fit. I'm not sure yet if I really do want to embrace this continuity. I'm not sure about much right now, frankly.

I'm a little bored with where I am at times. I miss the adventures I used to have. Sure, fifteen crazy roommates was insanity....but it was also a challenge and it was interesting and it was fun and I came out of the experience with some great friends and a whole helluva lot of stories. I feel like the fun has been sucked out of my life, replaced with devotion and service and work and patience. Don't get me wrong....I have fun moments - I love playing the music with the band, I spend time with dear friends, I enjoy giving of my time and energy to worthy pursuits....but I feel like I don't laugh enough these days. I don't feel like I play enough. I feel like that playfulness, that light-heartedness, that silly adventurousness is integral to my happiness, and I don't feel like it's being nurtured right now.

Ugh.

I'm annoying myself now. I'm switching off the whining and going to see a movie. Happy Friday!