Compare & contrast.

Things attempting to damage my calm today:

* Woman in elevator at office asks if I'm in tomorrow; I'm confused as to why I wouldn't be. Takes me a minute to realize it's Good Friday, which I don't celebrate because I'm not a Christian, but people assume I'm Christian until/unless I tell them otherwise. Somehow I thought the black nail polish and dyed red hair would be enough to project a stereotype here! Maybe I should start wearing my pentacle to work? Or more tattoos....hmmm...

* Coming through the security doors on my floor of the building, I vaguely hear footsteps before the door closes behind me. A woman says, "Thanks" in total sarcastic mode. What, the eyes in the back of my head were supposed to let me know you wanted me to hold the door? 'Cause clearly you're able to speak....but weren't able to ask me to hold the door since you were, uh, BEHIND ME?

* This article pulled from the Sudan Tribune, talking about the dangers of colonialism inherent in so much charity related to African countries. Makes me question where the donations I've made to "Save Darfur" are really going. Sonuvabitch! But a good reminder to me to do the effin' research before sending money to anything. Intentions are important, but thorough knowledge doesn't hurt. Time to wade into learning more about Sudan, I think.

* E-mails from family members basically telling me I don't trust Yahweh enough and also am un-American for thinking taxes make a better society. Yes, taxes suck, but the alternative sucks worse. Also, stop trying to convince me to have faith in Jesus.

* Danny Glover speaks truth about the Obama administration and racism. A bummer, but also informative.


Things helping me hold on to sanity:

* Ellen Brown preaches to this choir about how banks are totally fucking evil. Maybe not in those words.

* The Mayer explains a fear exercise I love to hate.

* I have started a trend of reflexively un-friending or un-following or un-subscribing stuff that bugs me. I love Chicago Honey Co-op, for example, but yesterday, they were pimping out some article or program or something or other talking about "get off your fat ass and bike to work." Which, you know, just doesn't seem like it's gonna be anything but a bunch of "omg I'm so fat and lazy and disgusting, I need to bike - oh, and starve, too - my way to a socially acceptable body," and you know...I just don't feel like wading through that kinda bullshit just to hear about how the local honeybees are doing. Buh-bye! Ditto bloggers or Facebook friends who are dieting, proselytizing, selling something, or posting total nonsense. Someday I may crawl out of the echo chamber...or maybe not. For now, my brain really appreciates relaxing its tolerance muscles a little. I mean, they get enough exercise at the office, anyway.

* Elle posting at Shakesville about water. This is a beautiful, heartbreaking post.

* Speaking of really awesome posts that tear me up, there's this one from Beth at Fake Plastic Fish, one of my fave green blogs.

* This playlist:

"Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" - John Mayer
"I Got a Name" - Jim Croce
"Mr. Curiosity" - Jason Mraz
"A Case of You" - Jane Monheit covering Joni Mitchell
"The Part Where You Let Go" - Hem
"The Shape I Found You In" - Girlyman
"Running on Faith" - Eric Clapton
"Comfort You" - Denison Witmer covering Van Morrison
"One Good Year" - Slaid Cleaves
"I Drive Alone" - Esthero
"St. Peter" - David Ford
"Rootless Tree" - Damien Rice
"By Way of Sorrow" - Cry, Cry, Cry
"Heart of the Matter" - India.Arie covering Don Henley
"They Were Wrong" - Matthew Ryan
"Dear Chicago" - Ryan Adams
"She's Out of My Life" - Josh Groban covering Michael Jackson
"Mexico" - Kim Richey covering CAKE
"Say It To Me Now" - Glen Hansard
"31 Today" - Aimee Mann
"Spilt Milk" - Matt Duke
"Ain't No Love" - David Gray
"Gravity" - John Mayer

Ranting about language.

So, despite my best intentions to take a break from the usual stress-and-rage-fueled adrenal fatigue of my day-to-day existence, yesterday I had an episode of raw fury, sparked by a couple things I bumped into while toddling through the afternoon. I have been pondering since, and enjoying (sort of) the reminder of how important language is. And now, I must rant.

I am beyond tired of the way our language is designed to promote the norm, the average, and the assumption that people are all alike. I understand the cultural impetus to support certain standards, but among people who value social justice and are working against patriarchy and broad frameworks of power-over, I think it's critical to find ways to tell individual stories, with respect for multiplicity and an abundance of diversity - as opposed to gross generalizations that inherently deny or devalue alternate experiences. And I think examining how I speak and the language I use is a really important first step towards that goal.

When I was first learning about nonviolent communication, I felt very challenged by what seemed to me to be unnecessarily fine parsing of phrasing and pronouns. I mean, what difference is there in saying "you know how sometimes you feel like life is total shit" and "sometimes I feel like life is total shit"? As I eventually started to recognize - a fuckload of difference. I started seeing how so much of the language I encounter daily is instructive and directive - not just giving me orders, but essentially defining my experience. I think this is why I used to spend a lot of time angry, without ever knowing precisely why....now, I can see how constantly being told how I think and feel would leave me generally and vaguely upset. Particularly since I'm the kind of girl who hates taking orders.

Yeah, I'm talking about marketing and commercials and print ads and mass media....but I'm also talking about conversations with friends and acquaintances, professional interactions, everything. Since shifting my perspective on language and communication, I've pretty much got a running commentary in my head that goes, "No, I don't feel like that. That's not what I think. Nope, that's not how it works for me. No, I've never done that. I don't say that." It's kind of exhausting, actually, because I have to keep reminding myself that my story is not the story I'm being told it is.

In becoming more aware and more sensitive to social justice issues, I've found my awareness of this phenomenon expanded again and again, as I encounter more and more perspectives that are new to me. I mean, I'm an urban-dwelling, non-Christian, middle class, white, fat girl...there's only so much I can understand from where I sit, and I really value hearing other stories that are not mine. I sometimes even like hearing the stories of other urban-dwelling, non-Christian, middle class, white, fat girls, because often their stories are so very different from mine - which is a really great reminder that stereotypes are not gospel, and people vary wildly, even within comparatively narrow demographics.

I find it incredibly frustrating, though, when other people tell their story as if it is universal, or even universal for everyone within some comparatively narrow demographic. I mean, some urban-dwelling people have never milked a cow or seen the Milky Way - but I have. Some middle class people have never lived in a trailer park or eaten government cheese - but I have. There are as many backstories as there are non-Christians and fat people. Operating under the assumption that my story is anything but MY story is delusional, and does a disservice to me and anyone who hears my story.

In particular, I think it's really important to be careful about making assumptions and recommendations based on assumptions. I can't tell every poor girl from the country that if she drops out of college, she'll still wind up making a decent living and doing music on the side - because, sure, that worked for me, and I don't have regrets about it...but every individual case requires its own room to breathe and grow and develop in its own way. Everyone has to consider their choices from their own unique circumstances, and make decisions based on their own hopes and resources and boundaries and willingness to engage in challenging norms.

In short: speak for your fucking self, and stop giving me advice on how to solve problems I don't have, please and thanks. I'll do my best to return the favor.

Today, in things that are fucked up...

Holy crap, I can't even believe this bullshit: Bill Gates has solved Africa!

Well, okay, he's figured out how to fix that whole problem they have of, like, starving all the time over there. They just need geneticaly modified seeds and lots and lots of agrichemicals (i.e., petrochemical fertilizer!). You know, so they can kick out bumper crops like farmers over here in the States do! 'Cause it's not like there are any negative consequences to that approach, especially not when rich corporations bring it to the tropics. Jeebus, Bill Gates, what is your deal?! Is it not bad enough that you sell buttloads of imperfect operating systems that bring blue screens and frustration* to people around the world....do you have to export crappy (environment-destroying) industrial farming, too?! (P.S. While it may be historically accurate, don't you think you could've found a better way to talk about the increase in crop yield due to petroleum-based mono-crop industrial agriculture than "Green Revolution"? 'Cause I dunno 'bout you, Bill, but I'm interested in a whole 'nother kinda Green Revolution these days...Plus, what the hell? USA, China, India, Africa: one of these things is not like the other.)

In fairness, though, this sentence in Bill's letter is spot fucking on:

It is interesting how often the impact of climate change is illustrated by talking about the problems the polar bears will face rather than the much greater number of poor people who will die unless significant investments are made to help them.

I totally agree, Bill. I'm not sure, though, that expanding industrial farming techniques to countries that don't use them now will actually help this situation. In fact, I'm pretty darn sure it won't. Now, organic and permaculture resources? Whole different story.

In other news of the wackadoo, apparently someone's printing out the Shared Items from their Google Reader, and calling it a newspaper?? I saw one on the el this morning, and literally turned to my roomie and said, "I think they missed the point." Don't get me wrong, I love the tactile experience of printed media; I will probably always keep a magazine subscription or two, and you'll pry my books from my cold, dead hands. But. It makes zero sense to me to compile a bunch of blogs and print it out like a newspaper. Also? STOP NEEDLESSLY KILLING TREES, YOU THOUGHTLESS FUCKS! Read it on your damn laptop!

Another thing fueling my rage today: TreeHugger's "Vegetarians We Love," which is a list of *dudes* who don't eat meat. 'Cause, apparently, it is totally girly to not eat meat. Don't get me wrong, TreeHugger, I get that y'all are trying to show other dudes that not-eating-meat can totally be manly, since Joaquin Phoenix is totally a vegan and all....but excellent work ignoring the fact that food choices (should) have FUCK ALL to do with gender. And that guys need some kind of extra special prize for not guzzling steak at three meals a day.

Finally, to round out the sad state of the good, green earth and some of her fucked up peoples, it seems that Americans don't really buy this whole "climate change" business, and that if those of us who do buy it and give a damn are going to convince them to change, we're gonna have to dumb it down a bit, 'cause all that science talk is just confusing, or something. I know not everybody wants to pore over charts and data and read scientific studies which are, admittedly, often a little on the dry side...but the evidence is ubiquitous enough these days that we've already boiled it down to stuff like the penguins will all die and global warming is irreversible....I dunno how much less "science-y" it gets than those really plain statements, but apparently Jane Six-Pack still somehow thinks that's not a big deal. Ugh.

Le sigh. Okay, some good stuff to get the brain churning a bit: BFP & Jess' collab called (re)Thinking Walking, which is really interesting food for thought; a manifesto from Jeremy Schlosberg at Fingertips, who I find one of the smartest, fairest and most ethical music bloggers on the web; also, this bit about racism in SF&F is delightfully blunt.

The world is a complicated place, and I rarely find enough time to wrap my brain around even a small piece of it. But I keep trying.

_____________________________
* Note: I detest Microsoft only marginally less than I detest anything Apple-related. Just in case you were thinking I was a Mac person or something. *shudder*

What happened that night...

The night started out with me standing under the horse statue on the corner of Michigan Avenue and Congress Parkway, discussing (at volume, 'cause I'm loud like that) the ridiculous anatomical correctness of the horse's nether regions, while an indie reporter behind me tried to conduct an interview about the historic nature of the evening's proceedings.

Hey, what's ground-breaking history without some obnoxious chick in the background yelling about horse cock?

After that, we shuffled through three different security checkpoints in waves of frantic (and generally polite) Obama supporters. Then through the metal detectors, into a sea of milling and standing people who were all buzzing with excitement over the expected results of the election. CNN was playing on the Jumbotron, Wolf Blitzer recounting results as polls started to close and numbers started trickling in. Projection after projection, broken up by discussion of the Democratic Revolution, or the Generational Shift in Politics, or other equally relevant features of the landscape in American Government. James Carville, oh, how I've missed ye! (He might be on CNN every night, for all I know....I don't have cable.)

I was pleased to see that when CNN cut to commercial, the Jumbotron went to a screensaver and music blared over the loudspeakers. I would've ranted at significant length if they'd run ads at this kind of rally. Phew!

A beachball popped up from somewhere and was batted around the park. When CNN showed the waiting crowd at the park, we all looked out for the cameras, and screamed like lunatics. Time passed; CNN called a few states for McCain - no surprises, and the huge crowd booed anyway.

Then, Wolf Blitzer announced that the polls were about to close in California. Obama, per CNN projections, was at 225 (I think), and the guy behind me says that we'd still need Florida even if California went blue. I turn to him and, using my advanced arithmetic skills, let him know that if Cali goes to Obama, it's over. A countdown clock flashes up on the Jumbotron, as CNN counts down to the last polls closing. The crowd chants along with the numbers.... five.... four... three.... two.... one.

The screen has some kind of explosion graphic, and giant letters scream "CNN PROJECTION: OBAMA WINS!" or something like that. I don't remember it precisely because my brain short-circuited and I was screaming - not yelling, not shouting, screaming at the top of my not inconsiderable lungs. I didn't stop for several minutes.

There were several minutes of excitement - CNN showed Oprah, various crowd reactions, and the iconic shot of Jesse Jackson. It reminded me of his presidential run in 1988, and how I had (at ten years old) much preferred him to Dukakis. I can only imagine how amazing that moment was for him, and I hope he recognizes how much his efforts have contributed to Obama's success now, and I hope he feels vindicated and appreciated and loved. 'Cause I love me some Jesse Jackson.

Then, they showed McCain's concession speech. I was by turns disgusted and encouraged. I saw glimpses in that speech of the man I used to respect, of the John McCain I considered an honorable enemy. I don't know that he'll ever get back my respect, but I hope he really can abandon the divisive rhetoric of the campaign and really get behind President Obama in making this country, and this world, a better place.

Shortly thereafter, they cut CNN and played a pre-recorded segment about the campaign, and how it was all about the people in the trenches and on the ground. The phrase "community organizer" flitted through my head several times. It was a lovely video....and then we got to listen to music for awhile, and stand around wondering what the lineup of speakers would be.

A roadie (do they call them that in politics?) came out and did the last of five or six soundchecks. He said, "Final soundcheck for the next president of the United States," and the crowd lost its collective shit. I cried for the first of many times.

A little while later, there was a prayer from a Reverend of some stripe. It was actually pretty open for a prayer, but one of these days, I'd like to see a truly inclusive blessing at a big political function; something that allows people of all faiths (and no faith) to support the sentiment of a benediction, without having to pay homage to Jesus.

A lovely woman came out and butchered the Star Spangled Banner. I know I'm biased, not only as a singer, but as someone who has sung this particular song for various events, messing up the national anthem happens - sometimes you forget a word, sometimes you mix up a line, it just happens. But. At the fucking victory rally for the next goddamned President of the nation for which the song is the anthem, maybe you sneak a crib sheet onto the fucking podeum so you can get the words right, hey?

And then......then....there he was. Michelle was there, and the girls, and it was the new first fucking family, and it was amazing. After a few minutes of unrepentant cheering, he spoke. I called my sister in Michigan, and put her on speaker so she could listen with me. We were both crying, and I was yelling every now and then, juggling the phone and my camera back and forth. The whole field (felt like the whole world) yelled "Yes we can!" right on cue as he recounted some history, reminding us just how far we've come as a nation...and reminding us obliquely how far we have yet to go.

As the ridiculous crowd left the park when he was done, people were crying and shouting and dancing and singing and carrying signs and celebrating. One dude was high-fiving everyone he met walking along Michigan Avenue. Near the Art Institute, someone had set up a boombox and people were dancing in a huge clump under the watchful eyes of sixty gajillion Chicago cops. Folks were hawking photos and buttons and shirts and towels (hoopy!) every ten steps. I walked slowly, enjoying the undeniable energy of excitement and hope and connection. People were smiling and laughing and dancing and cavorting and connecting, and it was glorious to behold.

At Lake Street, I turned and headed for the Red Line, where I waited for something like six trains before my claustrophobic ass found one non-crowded enough to get on. I rode next to a young white dude with blazing red hair, who was basically harassing a couple black college kids (who were totally handling him beautifully), somehow presuming some kind of connection based on the fact that he'd voted for Obama. When he eventually got off the train, the college kids had one of the most interesting discussions about race and identity politics and privelege that I've ever heard, and I wondered how much of that was because there were no white people talking.

A posse of cops greeted me on the el platform when I got off the train, and another blocked the street below. I'm not sure what to make of that, but I made it home finally.

I'm sure I'm leaving stuff out, but this is what I remember now. I wish I'd had more than a day to get used to the new camera....but I got some relatively decent shots, which you can see here.

I'm hopeful today, and hopeful that that feeling will last. I've been playing "Somewhere Different Now" by Girlyman today, and these lyrics are sticking with me:

Now I don't mind saying, I believe in the waiting
In the visions of grandeur, and the random encounter
I'm not on fire, not burned out
Just somewhere different now

Yeah.

Miscellany.

Mercury has been retrograde, and life has shifted accordingly. I have been introspective and not as social as usual; I have had enough mix-ups, surprises, hijinks, misunderstandings, miscommunications, and complications to last me for quite some time thankyouveryfuckingmuch; and the past has (as usual) returned to haunt me in typical ass-biting fashion. I know that there's a time for this kind of thing, for things to rewind, backfire, backpedal, and reshape....but sometimes I just don't like it. How come enlightenment can't be FUN??

Not that I'm enlightened.

Anyway, Mercury goes direct tomorrow (HALLELUJAH!), and life should get back to, er, normal. In the mantime, I have just a few things to share today:

* Saturday, I went with some friends to see the Dia de los Muertos exhibit at the National Museum of Mexican Art in Pilsen, here in Chicago. This is an annual exhibit that I've seen for the past few years, and it has yet to disappoint. The works run the gamut of political and personal, with some really startling and moving and intense stuff, all centered around the Mexican Day of the Dead traditions. Some of this is sculpture or painting or what I would call (for lack of a better term) more "typical" art-y works; others are amazing and gorgeous installations of ofrendas, altars built to honor Beloved Dead. The museum is easily reached via public transit, and admission is on a voluntary donation basis. I highly recommend this exhibit...and also, while you're there, check out the "Mexicanidad" exhibit down the hall from the Dia de los Muertos exhibit; it's a great tutorial on Mexican history and experience, and there are some of the most stunning and fascinating works of art I've ever seen in this collection.

* Sunday, my friend Jen and I saw the ass-kicking Girlyman, along with bonus awesome Ann Arbor duo Nervous but Excited. I stumbled onto Girlyman randomly on some blog or other, and was instantly hooked, and really overjoyed to find them playing soon in Chicago. They rock a plethora of styles, tremendous lyrics, interesting instrumentation, and (of course) super tasty vocal harmonies....if you dig the folk rock thing, I cannot recommend them highly enough - especially if you're also of a social justice bent. The opener, Nervous but Excited, was a delightful surprise (opening bands are always kind of a crapshoot, but these ladies rocked!)...really good songs, really good playing, really good singing, and some surprising twists that took the act from enjoyable to friggin' brilliant. Also, the banter for both acts was hilarious. Seriously, by the end of the night, my cheeks hurt from all the laughing. So, yeah, go and listen and buy and stuff.

* Yesterday was the start of Fat Talk Free Week (via Kate at Broadsheet). Can you even imagine a world sans trash talking your body or anyone else's? I sure would like to try it out! Also this week: Love Your Body Day on Wednesday.

* A week from this Sunday (on October 26th), there will be a Really, Really Free Market (organized by Bash Back! Chicago) from noon until 5 p.m. in the park just off the Division Blue Line stop. I'm going to be there, probably manning a clothes table or maybe doing some music or possibly reading palms or cards. I could use some help, so if you're interested in helping man a table, or reading for free/barter, please get in touch!

* Last thing: I'm going to be brushing up a set of holiday music (either Sacred or not or both, depending on venue); if you or anyone you know is in the market for some acoustic-guitar-and-singer ambient holiday music for a party or whatever this holiday season....I know this chick that might be able to help.

The weekend was a black hole of motherfucking suck, and I am going to be processing for awhile. This saddens me, and leaves me no spare thoughtspace to pontificate on the ills of the world; my heart is creaking for more personal reasons today.

Lucky for me, other people are saying insightful things, though. For example, there's the Women of Color and Beauty Carnival at Yennenga, which is seriously worth reading. I also liked this rant about torture, from John Buell via Common Dreams. Also exciting: Connecticut's steps to make solar power more accessible to the masses! I also liked the Anti-Advertising Agency's take down of a travel ad.

Then, of course, there's this pile of horse shit that purports to defend GMO crops and by extension agribusiness. I read it over and was too pissed to properly dress it down, but in summary:

If a new product's characteristics are attractive and the price is right, it succeeds in the marketplace, stimulating still more innovation. Ironically, some of Prince Charles's own organically produced vegetables failed this test: so deformed and repulsive to look at, they were not marketable and had to be given to local schools.

...that is bullshit. That framing of success only applies if your goal is to make a profit. If your goal is to properly nourish people with actual real live food, all the while NOT destroying the planet....well, then, maybe GMO crops aren't quite so damn fabulous.

Suck fatigue.

I've been spending a lot of time lately re-educating myself on history and culture, trying to get a more balanced perspective than the white patriarchy version I learned in school. A lot of this has been really jaw-dropping for me, like stumbling across the story of Saartjie Baartman (a.k.a. the 'Hottentot' Venus, a Khoikhoi woman who was shown off like some sideshow freak for the shape of her ass - which, as a substantially bootylicious chick myself, just...yeah, it blew my mind, and not in a good way), learning about the "convict leasing system" (a vomitous practice that kept black men legally enslaved well into the twentieth century), and discovering the truth about "banana republics.

You know, I would think that surviving childhood rape, divorce, a schizophrenic mother, and suicidal-drug-addicted roommates would pretty much keep my expectations for the human race pretty fuckin' low....but turns out I still have a shred of faith in humanity. Lord knows why.

What with my illness awhile back, I spent most of my vacation time from work....but I think I'm going to take a summer media vacation anyway. I declare that I need a break from having my nose rubbed in mankind's shit-on-the-carpet, so my soul can grow back a little. Otherwise, I may just lose all ability to believe that change is possible, and give up, and go buy an SUV or something.

So, for awhile, I am willfully burying my head in the sand, though in this case, the sand is likely to be music and popsicles and fluffy novels and a quest for sunburns at my local beach.

Before I officially shut off my political awareness, though, I need to mention that the ass-kicking Coalition of Immokalee Workers is going after Chipotle (not to mention apparently planning to target Whole Foods soon - yippee!), trying to ensure something closer to fair work conditions for farm workers. You can learn how to help here, including awesome letters you can print up and deliver to your local Chipotle managers. You know, if you eat there.

Also: via my awesome roomie, here's a site encouraging communities to convert high-visibilty lawns and such into organic food gardens. There's a petition to start with the White House lawn. How fucking cool is that?