Family news, plus SFSV: The Reboot.

Last week, shortly after I posted my glowy post-solstice happy post, my grandfather passed away.

On the one hand, this was not exactly out of the blue; he was in a car accident a year and a half ago that induced a stroke and left him needing twenty-four hour care. Sometimes he would be relatively lucid, but he was never the same, and I think even those family members who argued otherwise knew that it was only a matter of time. In some ways, his passing is a relief, freeing him from the purgatory of a nursing home.

My grandfather was...just this guy, you know? He worked at a factory until he retired, bowled in a league, drank beer, smoked until the doctors made him stop, played cribbage, hunted and fished. He and my grandma (technically my step-grandma) were kind of the "cool" grandparents - they had a hot tub in the sunroom, a motorcycle in the garage, and they travelled more than most of my relatives. He wasn't any great humanitarian, and I suspect he had a lot of regrets...but he was a good man, as these things go. He enjoyed his life.

His favorite insult, in jest or in seriousness, was "potlicker." Seriously. These are my people.

I didn't have to sing at the funeral (the church wanted, for some reason I don't understand, to pre-record the vocals and play them back with a live organist; needless to say, the singer was less than awesome and the song had zero punch....I could've made it a catharsis, but whatever, obvy the church dude knows best), which was okay with me, since doing so inevitably makes me ball like a baby after. Also, the preacher made sure to mention that the hymn was "a great song for Christians to sing," which had my sister whispering in my ear "yeah, no singing that one, pagan."

The preacher, as per usual in Christian funerals I have attended, attempted to use grief as a recruitment tool for the big team in the sky. I fucking hate having my loved one held hostage in heaven against my repentance. Why does so much of Christianity (as expressed by preachers in church, anyway) seem to hinge on fear and manipulation, when so much of what Christ espoused was based in love and tolerance and good works? I mean, do they cover that stuff when they're teaching the preachers, or is that touchy-feely crap only for the kiddies in Sunday school?

Anyway.

I am officially re-booting the SFSV plan, and going on a break. I am pushing back the recording process until the fall, I am going over my other upcoming obligations and considering which ones I'll maintain, and which ones I'll cancel or delay. If I could take a leave of absence from the office, I'd do that, too. Instead, I'm scaling back my expectations of myself, opening up space in my calendar to watch movies and wander along the lakeshore and get acupuncture and do nothing. I just can't handle trying to juggle much at the moment, and I'm tired of trying. Solstice weekend, with its surprise free time to enjoy the sunshine and indulge in fripperies, is more of what I need. As much as I want to get various projects done...right now the project I'm working on is not feeling like such shit.

Compare & contrast.

Things attempting to damage my calm today:

* Woman in elevator at office asks if I'm in tomorrow; I'm confused as to why I wouldn't be. Takes me a minute to realize it's Good Friday, which I don't celebrate because I'm not a Christian, but people assume I'm Christian until/unless I tell them otherwise. Somehow I thought the black nail polish and dyed red hair would be enough to project a stereotype here! Maybe I should start wearing my pentacle to work? Or more tattoos....hmmm...

* Coming through the security doors on my floor of the building, I vaguely hear footsteps before the door closes behind me. A woman says, "Thanks" in total sarcastic mode. What, the eyes in the back of my head were supposed to let me know you wanted me to hold the door? 'Cause clearly you're able to speak....but weren't able to ask me to hold the door since you were, uh, BEHIND ME?

* This article pulled from the Sudan Tribune, talking about the dangers of colonialism inherent in so much charity related to African countries. Makes me question where the donations I've made to "Save Darfur" are really going. Sonuvabitch! But a good reminder to me to do the effin' research before sending money to anything. Intentions are important, but thorough knowledge doesn't hurt. Time to wade into learning more about Sudan, I think.

* E-mails from family members basically telling me I don't trust Yahweh enough and also am un-American for thinking taxes make a better society. Yes, taxes suck, but the alternative sucks worse. Also, stop trying to convince me to have faith in Jesus.

* Danny Glover speaks truth about the Obama administration and racism. A bummer, but also informative.


Things helping me hold on to sanity:

* Ellen Brown preaches to this choir about how banks are totally fucking evil. Maybe not in those words.

* The Mayer explains a fear exercise I love to hate.

* I have started a trend of reflexively un-friending or un-following or un-subscribing stuff that bugs me. I love Chicago Honey Co-op, for example, but yesterday, they were pimping out some article or program or something or other talking about "get off your fat ass and bike to work." Which, you know, just doesn't seem like it's gonna be anything but a bunch of "omg I'm so fat and lazy and disgusting, I need to bike - oh, and starve, too - my way to a socially acceptable body," and you know...I just don't feel like wading through that kinda bullshit just to hear about how the local honeybees are doing. Buh-bye! Ditto bloggers or Facebook friends who are dieting, proselytizing, selling something, or posting total nonsense. Someday I may crawl out of the echo chamber...or maybe not. For now, my brain really appreciates relaxing its tolerance muscles a little. I mean, they get enough exercise at the office, anyway.

* Elle posting at Shakesville about water. This is a beautiful, heartbreaking post.

* Speaking of really awesome posts that tear me up, there's this one from Beth at Fake Plastic Fish, one of my fave green blogs.

* This playlist:

"Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" - John Mayer
"I Got a Name" - Jim Croce
"Mr. Curiosity" - Jason Mraz
"A Case of You" - Jane Monheit covering Joni Mitchell
"The Part Where You Let Go" - Hem
"The Shape I Found You In" - Girlyman
"Running on Faith" - Eric Clapton
"Comfort You" - Denison Witmer covering Van Morrison
"One Good Year" - Slaid Cleaves
"I Drive Alone" - Esthero
"St. Peter" - David Ford
"Rootless Tree" - Damien Rice
"By Way of Sorrow" - Cry, Cry, Cry
"Heart of the Matter" - India.Arie covering Don Henley
"They Were Wrong" - Matthew Ryan
"Dear Chicago" - Ryan Adams
"She's Out of My Life" - Josh Groban covering Michael Jackson
"Mexico" - Kim Richey covering CAKE
"Say It To Me Now" - Glen Hansard
"31 Today" - Aimee Mann
"Spilt Milk" - Matt Duke
"Ain't No Love" - David Gray
"Gravity" - John Mayer

A ramble about politics...

A lot of my political convictions come from my dad. He was (and still is) a big influence in my life, especially on the intellectual side of things, and growing up the daughter of a Union electrician, as poor white trash, in a struggling single parent blue collar rural family....well, it definitely gave me populist leanings, to say the least. I always considered myself a happy Democrat - just like my dad.

As I've gotten older, and broadened the scope of my political education, learning about vast, interconnected systems of oppression that leave so many people with literally nothing....well, I still considered myself a Dem, but maybe one of those flaming liberals on the party fringe. I started playing the politics of lesser evils, but I wasn't unhappy about it. I mean, this was the party of Hillary Clinton, and I loved her (and still do). When Clinton got booted from the primary (about which, I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little bitter), I was bummed, but not necessarily horrified to be swapping my vote to my Senator. I mean, I was ecstatic to vote for Obama the first time, and I was thrilled to get a chance to do it on a presidential ballot, too.

Well, time has passed. Positions have shifted. Obama, while certainly a fuckload of a better candidate than "Maverick" McCain, has definitely lost some of his shiny for me (no Dem can soften his position on abortion, firm up his position on keeping troops in Iraq, and endorse federal funding for faith based orgs without earning my ire). Things have changed.

So, I'm talking about this with my dad. (He and I talk politics a lot.) As I've gotten older and more radical in my liberalism, though, my dad has gotten older and more centrist in his conservatism. As I was talking about my disappointment with Obama's recent shifts in position on abortion and FBOs, my dad was actually kind of dismissive about those things. In fact, he actually said to me, "I don't give a shit about that stuff. I care about the war, and the economy, and gas prices. And not only that, but I kind of agree with him. I mean, some of these little towns out there, the only place people can go for help is to a church."

I was shocked, and to be honest, it's made me want to moderate some of my conversation about politics with my dad. I wonder now if he's sometimes amazed at how much of a flaming liberal I am these days.

Anyway, this conversation got me thinking about why Obama's shifts do mean so much to me. I mean, I care about the war and the economy and gas prices....though admittedly, as someone without a car and with a (knock wood) relatively secure job that keeps me in (knock wood) relatively decent financial shape, I'm maybe a little personally isolated from those issues. But my step-brother is on his way for a tour in Afghanistan (after three tours in Iraq), and I know plenty of people getting fucked by the economy and gas prices, and don't even get me started on how my food budget has skyrocketed (I'm lucky enough to be able to afford farmer's market prices....but I'm not far from needing to consider compromises on non-produce stuff). And of course, I believe so much of these problems are inevitably entwined with green issues, which is pretty much at the top of my radar.

But, you know what? I think abortion and separation of church and state take the cake every time, and thinking about this for awhile, I think I've figured out why. During the Bush administration, the line between church and state has become less stable than at any time I can remember. Why's that? Because the man believes he's doing "God's work," and all of his choices come straight from his religious values (and see here for info on what those might be). Bush doesn't weigh the consequences of his actions, because the only consequences he seems to be considering are the ones involving pearly gates.

Now, we could debate all day and night whether Bush really is the religious radical he seems, or he's putting on some kind of front...but I think his actions and the way he operates speak for themselves. We've lived for nearly eight years (and maybe more?) under the yoke of religious ideology. When church and state aren't firmly separated, human rights suffer, standard of living suffers, and freedom suffers (or at least that's what I think).

((I'm currently reviewing Obama's "Blueprint for Change" - because I want to really understand the specifics, and not just base my thoughts on conjecture and the "liberal media" and what he says out on the stump. Analysis will be posted when I get around to it.))

Meanwhile, I'm starting to wonder if I'll be the lifelong Democrat I have always thought I would be. I'm starting to wonder whether Obama really has my vote - and instead of being really excited about the candidates (like I was when the primary started four years ago), I'm feeling disappointed and angry and unhappy. I don't want to vote for the lesser of two evils. These days, I wonder if I've *ever* voted for anything else.

FUotD: Barack Obama

I can't believe I'm saying this, but...hey, Barack Obama: FUCK YOU!

Here's the e-mail I just sent through Obama's Senate website:

Dear Senator Obama:

It is with sadness and confusion that I write to you today. I was shocked to read today's headlines indicating your support and planned expansion of George W. Bush's Faith Based Charity policy, as well as your position that some hiring and firing based on religion was allowable.

I understand the fine line you walk as a politician, needing to compromise with many differing viewpoints in order to move the country forward. Although I disagree with the positions, I get why you supported the FISA compromise, why you have developed more nuanced positions on Israel and diplomacy and complicated issues. I don't fault you for trying to find a way to appropriately represent all Americans, and to make decisive choices in complex situations.

I cannot for the life of me, though, understand why a liberal (let alone a progressive) would support a program that has eroded the separation of Church and State, without improving social services or the overall well being of Americans one whit, and would pile on additional exemptions that amount to discrimination on the base of religious beliefs. As a non-Christian, this is near and dear to my heart, and any allowance for religious discrimination feels like the first step on a slippery slope leading to further discrimination that has the potential to impact my life in tangible ways.

I believe that faith based social services are wonderful things...but they should absolutely be funded privately by people who support the faith itself, and not using my tax dollars. I believe these programs do vital work, and help lots of people...but I also have no doubts that the helping hands come with the price tag of evangelism, and that's not something I'm interested in funding.

I also believe that there are social service programs that provide equal or better assistance without the added burden of religious coercion - and to reduce or divert funds from these truly equal opportunity organizations seems almost criminal to me. Since I don't have the ability to directly determine what my tax dollars are paying for, I rely on you to speak for me...and in this matter, that's just not happening.

I have been so happy to have you representing me in Congress these past few years. I was thrilled to see you enter the Presidential race. I believe that you have the potential to reverse much of the damage of the Bush administration...but adding fuel to the already volatile fire of religious conflict in this country is not part of the healing I believe this country needs. Please reconsider this position.

Best regards,
Tari Follett

Tuesday Ruminations.

I think it is human nature to separate the micro and the macro into nice, cozy separate boxes. I think the blurry lines between individual choices and the inextricably connected Big Picture are frightening on some insitinctual level - it challenges whatever it is in human brains (or maybe just ones bathed in capitalism and patriarchy and Western culture?) that individuates and helps us prioritize the survival of our genes over the survival of those *other* genes that are NOT ours. I think about this kind of paradox a great deal, which is why I feel like I spend a lot of time walking the razor-thin line between, er, "normal" (for lack of a better term) and some kind of Peak Experience. I see this dynamic in religion (a sort-of-like-a-human God v. the entirety of creation and uncreation being one seamless whole living being in all its diverse parts), in politics (individual freedom v. peaceful coexistence), in activism (my individual actions v. the faceless and overwhelming status quo), etc., etc., etc.

I think it's hard for one brain to comprehend the endless complications of even the most seemingly simple idea. A cup of coffee isn't just a cup of coffee - it's a product of an ancient process with millenia of history and context, with impact based on where and how it was grown and harvested and shipped and processed and transported and prepared and how I choose to drink it, not to mention the various social and cultural and economic and environmental factors for all the people involved in all those processes...and then there's the effect it has on my body when I drink it, the cultural implications of drinking coffee, how it affects my appearance and status and how the way I choose to drink that coffee reflects my personality and my lifestyle, the effects on my immediate environment and possibly the regional environment...but even holding an awareness of all those layers of complication, I have trouble not just focusing on the cup of coffee. I can only hold so much thought at one time, and I haven't yet progressed in my enlightenment enough to truly sip coffee with a full awareness of the vast network of inter-related factors tied to this two second moment of my life.

And therein lies, in my opinion, the central challenge humanity wrestles with as a species. Self. Universe. And the mushy middle between, where most of life fits.

I stumbled aboard this train of thought this morning while reading this piece. The writer talks about the idea of food activism and individual choices being a somehow more manageable alternative to massive environmental problems, like global warming or soil contamination or polluted water or deforestation or toxic chemicals in everything. It's an interesting way of looking at the environmental movement as it's become more and more mainstream over the past few years; I find it particularly interesting the way so much activism (especially the kind I hear about in the media) has shifted from nuclear protests and people chaining themselves to redwoods and laying in front of bulldozers....to more capitalist measures - conscious consumerism, as it were. That's a really noteworthy (and sort of disturbing) shift, and it brings up the idea of individual choice in a context of severely harmful systems of being.

((My inner conspiracy theorist says: How much of a shift from groups challenging systems, to individuals changing how they consume...how much of that shift is a total red herring?))

This theme popped up again for me, in reading the comments on this piece from The Guardian. As always with any story about fat people, there was a lot of "just eat less, and move more" (with various levels of courtesy or coherency) and also plenty of "get rid of your cars and bike everywhere" (not to mention "people just need to learn how to eat healthy" - which makes me wonder, what the fuck rock do people think these alleged ignorant people are living under that they don't know how to "eat healthy"? Seriously, I can't crack a newspaper, flip on a TV, listen to a radio, or surf the internet - or have a conversation with most of my friends and family - without having seventeen opinions about what "healthy eating" means shoved right down my throat! If anyone doesn't know how to eat healthy, it's because the only person they ever talk to is painted on a volleyball...) (/end rant). The premise of the article, though, was that there are systemic issues at work, not just individual choices...that food "choices" are less free than people want to think, that economic realities and various other cultural factors have an effect on fatness. Interestingly enough, the bugaboo of fatness leading to a decrease in life expectancy didn't come up in this article (via Common Dreams), which talked about how life expectancy has gone down, but mostly for poor people with little access to proper healthcare...which again begs the question: is it the individual, or is it the bigger picture? Magic Eight Ball says: Answer Not Clear.

I have said before (in answer to many, many questions) that "It's Not That Simple," and I always mean it. It's been my experience that very little in life is ever simple - and if it appears so, there's likely more to it than what's visible. The personal is political, the part affects the whole, as above - so below, all different ways of saying the same thing: what is done in this moment matters, and cannot be disconnected from what was done in the preceding moment or what will be done in the moment following. When we're talking about fighting presidential secrecy, that won't just be done by my writing to the White House and telling the President I think he's an asshole for legislating from the Oval Office and pissing on the Constitution - it will probably also take massive systemic change coming from Congress and broader, collective efforts to reestablish the checks and balances that separate a representative democracy from a fascist oligarchy. When we're talking about ending racism and sexism and sizism and ableism and looksism and other kinds of outdated (and yet, sadly, still present and active and pervasive) discrimination, it can't just be done by calling out some jerk for shitty comments at a press conference...it will probably also take a complete and total reframing of our cultural understanding of gender and race and ethnicity and all the other visible (and not visible) characteristics that mark the tremendous diversity of the human race. Saving the planet won't just happen because I buy local, organic food...it will take global reductions in greenhouse gas emissions, massive shifts in food and transportation systems, and an overhaul of what "lifestyle" means in a world on the brink of breakdown.

I recognize that I have some pretty radical ideas, in general. I sometimes want to give away everything I own and go walkabout in a veggie-powered RV, fer chrissakes (holy cows, I'm not the only one!). A lot of that has to do with wanting to distance myself from People. You know, Them. They are stupid and ignorant and different and intolerant and judgmental and whatever other adjectives apply. They are faceless and there are way more of Them than there ever are of Us. Part of my desire to go a-wand'ring is tied to my chronic boho hiraeth, but it's also part of how I manifest my own personal need to draw a line around myself and clarify that I Am Not Them. I separate myself from the Whole, because it makes it easier for me to simplify the messy chaos of life - it makes it harder for me to get hamstrung by the heartbreak that would inevitably haunt me if I really could see the impact of every moment I am alive.

But the harder I work to become more aware of my impacts on the world around me, the more I recognize that that line between me and the world around me is a creation in my head and doesn't really exist. And there has to be a way to apply this concept to all the systemic injustice and degradation in the world. I'm still working on that.

Bad news. Really bad.

Last week, we lost my nephew to SIDS.

They don't make words to describe the grief and sorrow of losing such a young child with so little reason or explanation.

I'd been home the previous weekend for my dad's annual hog roast & beer fest. That was a reasonably good time, with beer galore, and music, and pork and most of my dad's family. I didn't get stuck playing nanny, which was nice, and I also managed to work ina visit with my dear friend Jeremy, which was awesome.

I came home and of course, promptly got sick. Fever, aches, chills, headache, the gnawing certainty that given the slightest encouragement, my lungs would start kicking out mucus by the gallon. I spent Monday and Tuesday swaddled in blankets and drinking juice and eating chicken soup. Good times.

Tuesday night I got the call. It floored me. I spent the rest of the evening, when I wasn't on the phone with one family member or another, staring at the wall trying to process. It was impossible. A couple sleepless nights and restless days on the phone making arrangements and trying to support my brother and sister-in-law, I went home.

In defiance of tradition, the visitation was open-casket. In case just the thought of a child's death wasn't horrific enough, to see it....it's indescribable how difficult that was. It's heartbreaking.

The funeral itself was horrible. First, I had agreed to sing...which I did, somehow, I'm still not sure. I was shaking the whole time, and the second I got back to myseat beside my sister, I completely broke down. My brother spoke of his joy when Aiden was born, and how happy he was to have a son, and how devastating it was to lose him so soon.

And then there was the pastor who conducted the service. Religious tolerance being a theme in my life lately, the mid-service sermon wherein the pastor actually said, "Aiden is in heaven now....if you ever want to see him again, you must accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior." Call me crazy, but I don't particularly like my grief being used as leverage to recruit me for the big team in the sky.

The weekend was an ordeal, and I am glad to be home, to be in my safe space to go through my grieving process, and to work through all the stuff this set of circumstances and the attendant events brought up for me. Oy. My work is cut out for me.