Loud-mouthed liberal feminist. Anarchist knitter. Tequila-drinking artsy-smartsy fat chick. Bluesy folk-rock singer-songwriter. Rebel with too many causes. Quirky eclectic pagan poet. Paradoxical intuitive smartass. Sarcastic brainiac insomniac. You know, for starters.


Whiny today. Oooh, something new for a change!

All right, it's time for one of my specialty "I'm a confused Taurus and I must take stock" moments. Ergo, a list:

1. Numerous people have theorized that my extended non-sleeping jag (almost up to five months now) is related to the fact that I need to get laid. Recently supplied evidence has proved said theory conclusively false. I think my good friend Nytol and I will be hanging out again this weekend.

2. Yeah, folks, that means I got some, and (unfortunately) I don't mean sleep. Interestingly, this relationship (much as my last one) is really just about the physical...and this time, everyone involved knows it. Talk about refreshing. However, still no sleep, so I begin to wonder if it's worth it. Especially as what I really want (though my libido appreciates a no-strings bedfellow) is someone to share my life, not just rave about my hot ass. More on that later, though.

3. Discussions with the roomie yesterday led to a return date of mid-October, with an option for an early return at the end of this month. This depends, of course, on how much money she can make and save at her new job. Meanwhile most of my friends and family are telling me to start looking for a new roommate. This brings up my favorite question - do I let people take advantage of me a little too much? The answer is, of course, most likely 'yes,' but at the same time...I can handle it. I mean, I don't think it's so bad to go out of your way for other people, even ones who might not return the favor or really deserve it (not that my roomie falls into either of these categories; she's just young and caught up in her thing and not necessarily realizing that her choices impact me)...but by the same token, I'm very good at drawing the line if it needs to be drawn. I know my limits, and I put my foot down when push comes to shove (can I mix those metaphors?). Granted, it's not something I like to do. I prefer to give people every chance to do the right thing beforehand, without my having to say anything. But then, I also actively try not to hurt people, which is less universal than you'd think. Ack, now I'm just babbling.

4. The Get More Life Initiative is taking off a bit, methinks. My drive to expand my social connections beyond people in the band or people somehow connected with the people in the band or people who live in other states...is starting to work. While the little get-togethers at my place have been fun and put me in touch with some interesting folks...no really strong connections there. The Tarot class has yielded a number of interesting people, and at least one person who I think could really be a true friend...one of those people you meet and talk to and find yourself in a constant state of nodding, or saying "exactly" every other word. I love connections like that, when you find someone who just might be able to handle a conversation involving reality and truth and not so much of the bullshit generally involved in conversing with most people. (That sounds snobbish, and I don't really mean it that way, but I don't know how else to say what I mean.)

5. Hopefully, my sister will be home soon. I would like that. Hopefully, my roommate will be home soon. I would like that.

6. So, my horoscope for this month says the only bright light will be my love life. It also says that the stars are auspicious for meeting The One, apparently the best shot in years is going on right now. Which is perfect, because I've been feeling - as anybody who's been following my saga will be tired of hearing - like it was time for this. I love my life...in all its craziness, I really do. I love my family fiercely, I love my friends even as far away as they all are, I love where I am with music and my job and exploring all of the interests I have on my own terms, I love my home and the life I am making for myself. And I really, really like who I am. I know my flaws, and I know my strengths, and I'm the kind of person I want to be. But I'm so tired, and it has nothing to do with the fact that I haven't slept soundly in over four months. It has to do with the fact that I want to share all this with someone. I want a partner in crime. I want a shoulder to cry on, I want to be passionately amazed by someone and have them be passionately amazed in turn. I want to listen to someone breathe when I can't sleep, instead of watching my ceiling fan. I want to find a person who isn't intimidated by my talents and my passion, who isn't frightened off by my intensity, who wants this as much as I do.

I realize this makes me a cliche, I realize that everybody wants this, and not many people find it, but I have spent most of my life proving how much I didn't need or want anyone else, and I'm coming to grips with the fact that, yeah, I'm human and I want a lover-friend-companion-soul-mate. And I'm also stupid enough to believe that he's out there, all curly-haired, bearded, kilt-sporting, intelligent, talented, amazing, 6'4" 300 pounds of him. All right, so I suppose the kilt part might be a little too specific...

7. I'm still laughing. At least there's a bright side.

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