How I am and stuff.

First, I just want to say this really clearly, so there is no confusion: I am (relatively) okay. I am not having a breakdown or freaking the fuck out or anything else extreme. I am in (relatively) decent health, mentally and physically, and I am in no danger of doing myself - or anyone else - harm.

I recognize that I have not been exactly a ray of sunshine on the internet (or, you know, anywhere else) these days, and that may be worrisome to people. For that, I am sorry - it is certainly never my intention to cause anyone any worry - and I am grateful for the sweet inquiries I have received about how I'm doing, as well. Just as often as I am surprised by what jackholes people can be, I am surprised (and delighted!) by how much kindness is out there to balance it out.

So what's going on with me? Why all the dour, irate, enraged, cranky, curmudgeonly, dark, nasty, vicious (etc., etc.) tweets and Facebook updates?

Well, you know, my life is not in a totally awesome place lately. For a lot of reasons, some within my control, and some not.

I lost two grandparents in just over six months. I've been thwarted romantically a couple times recently. I had a really shitty birthday. Many of the good things I have tried to do for myself over the past year or so (travel, music stuff, classes, etc.) have not worked out the way I planned or hoped. The weather has been all weird and unseasonable. My living situation has been increasingly trying and disappointing. My work situation has been stressful and intense. Most of my closest loved ones have had crises of their own going on, and I have an unfortunate tendency to take on some of that, whether I want to or not.

So, yeah, you know, it's life. It gets overwhelming every now and then. Sometimes I handle it better than others. And, contrary to what folks often think of me, I am a dark, twisty, sarcastic, angry introvert...which isn't to say that I'm not also often lighthearted and giggly and joyful, but that - you know, like anybody - my life and state of mind is difficult to reduce to 140 characters...or, really, any number of electrons. This construct you see before you isn't really me (or really real, for that matter)...but a projection of an interpretation of an expression of a shade of a reflection. That's valid, and it's something I find useful in many ways, and I think there is almost always a kernel of Truth in there - but it's just inevitably much too simple to capture anything close to what's really there in any kind of fullness.

(And we could get into a whole side discussion about what's real anyway, in a Buddhist sort of "life is an illusion" kind of way....but that's a whole other smelly kettle of fish I'd like to save for the next time I'm drunk and maudlin.)

A sidebar I would like to get into? Why I put all this crap out on the internet in the first place. Why I Tweet and blog and whatever. Brace yourself for a shocking answer.

I fucking like it.

I like doing it because I find it a useful tool when I am trying to promote a gig or music or an event or an opportunity for activism (which I haven't been doing much of lately, but am perpetually trying to get my shit together on). I like doing it because I find it a useful tool for self-reflection, reading back over my posts or updates to see where I was a month ago, a year ago, or longer in some cases (hello, Diaryland diary!). I like doing it because it's sometimes nice to feel like my voice is heard, even if all it's saying is "whine, whine, piss, piss, moan, moan" - and it's nice to see that I'm not the only one out there dealing with whatever I'm dealing with. I like having an immediate outlet for the random thoughts that pop into my head, for the news and blogs and notices I stumble into as I'm bumbling about the internet in between doing actual work.

On top of that, I like seeing where other people I know are - what they're reading or watching or thinking about, what's going on in their lives. I'm an awful correspondent, so it's nice to have a relatively simple way to keep tabs on my distant friends and family....'cause I might not call but once or twice a year, I might not send a substantive e-mail with actual personal content, er, ever....but I can make a relevant comment on a Facebook update or a tweet, to let them know I'm thinking of them. Maybe it's lazy, and maybe it's "virtual connection" and not "real connection," but at this point in my life, I'm probably not going to suddenly become an awesome letter-writer, phone-caller, or e-mailer....nor am I going to fall into buckets of money that will let me travel to see these people in person and remind them face-to-face how much I actually do care about them. So, you know, I do what I can for good or ill.

So, all that rambling aside...here's what I can tell you for sure: I am okay. I will be okay. I am in a bit of a crap patch. I will get through it one way or another, just like I have made it through much more trying circumstances that occurred before Twitter or Facebook existed for me to record my moment-to-moment experiences (thank all the gods). Someday - probably sometime in April, when my lease is up and my living circumstances will likely change drastically and give me one of those clean slate mindsets - I will wend my way out of the Dark Side, and stop tweeting snarls and growls and bitchiness and vitriol.

And to those who are worried about me...please accept my apologies. About 80% of the time, even my grouchiest posts are done with a pinch of salt and tongue firmly in cheek. No matter how shitty things seem to get, I am generally still laughing at it - especially at this point, when the "shit happens" mantra is less said with a shrug and more often uttered with a bitterly wry "of fucking course" prefix.