Ugh.

I am missing him today.

I had forgotten him entirely,
or as much as he can be forgotten
anyway.

Chance lyrics,
however,
robbed me of this
blissful
lack of memory.

Our life flashed before my eyes,
almost as movie-like as when it actually happened.
The familiar ache of remembered heartbreak
was removed
a little,
like it was projected from a tiny room in the back.

I don't want him playing Robert Redford
in the corners of my mind.
I want to remember his casual cruelty,
his inability to answer,
his selfishness and falsity and
that he did not love me.

I don't want to remember his
moments,
his good moments,
his taking of my breath
and my pain
and me.

But, there he is -
sleeping in a tiny room in the back -
arms and whispers and trust and,
oh gods,
the music.

Why can't I lose the echoes of joy
that rumble my ribcage
when I look back?
Why can't I shake the feeling of
his mouth on my palm?

Why can't chance lyrics bring me
places I have been
or the first reading of my favorite book
or nights filled with too many stars to count?

Nope.
Not today.
Today they bring me him.

And I am missing him today.