Ye gods, it's been forever since I updated this thing. April was pretty much one of those months, though.
I am (as is my wont) in a weird place. On the one hand, I've got lots of stuff going on - so much stuff going on I barely have time to...well, update this diary for one thing. So, yeah, I'm super busy between my actual day job and my work for community and the band and trying to keep my house clean and my toes manicured.
Despite all of this activity, though...I still feel like there's something missing, like I'm not doing enough. I know that restless is my default setting, but it just seems crazy to me to be looking around for something else when my plate is so full I can barely hold it up.
Obviously, lots of introspection going on over here.
At the risk of falling into old patterns, or of stating the obvious...I think it's time for a change. What that might be, I'm not really sure at this point. I do know, however, that it needs to happen soon. The winter of my discontent is ready to be busting into spring.
Which is an interesting observation I've made, too. Here in Chicago, spring has been coming in fits and starts - a warm, sunny day here and there, shattered with nights like last night where we have freeze watches going on, and wind chills. I feel a little bit like that - hopeful and happy and cheerful and ready to bounce off the walls....and other times, well, to put it mildly: not so much.
It catches me off guard, too....it's a rare, every-once-in-a-while kinda thing. I'll be doing something completely normal - ironing a shirt, fishing out my transit card for the el, tuning my guitar, whatever - and suddenly I'll be just overcome with despair, or rage, or frustration, and just want to curl up in a ball and cry. It's insane.
I'm normally not much of a mood-swing girl...but I suppose being a Cancer Moon does leave me prone to that kind of thing. Dammit.
In actual "what's going on in my damn life" news, things continue to roll along. The band is on the cusp of good things and new initiatives and I feel really pleased with that work. The Saturday story hour (though no more in and of itself) has led me to refresh some wonderful connections, possibly extend them through some future work, and - most importantly - reminded me how much I love to shake my booty (Putomayo's Arabic Groove....all I'm saying). I celebrated my third May 1st at my apartment, which is a little scary, but generally heartening....and I'm planning some container gardening on my back porch - and some ambitious redecorating inside (YAY!).
My birthday is a week from tomorrow. 27 years. I smell 30 on the horizon, and I think it's part of what's got me wigging currently. Maybe the biological clock is kicking in? I mean, I see all these people around me getting married, having kids, buying houses, settling down....and I cringe a little. I don't really want to do any of that stuff...but what the hell am I doing with my life instead? Good question.
I was talking to a business colleague today who knows some general stuff about my history - that I went to school for engineering, that I am a musician, that I work in insurance. She made an offhand comment - "that's right, you're the engineer who does *this* for a living and makes music on the side" - that struck me. It reminded me what a freak I am. Makes me wonder if it's even possible for me to find peace in this life.
Ah, enough melodrama. I live, I laugh, I love. Mostly my cats, but still - that counts.
Hope you're all alive and kickin' and raging against the dying of whatever brings light to your life. Be excellent to each other.
And party on, dudes.
Loud-mouthed liberal feminist. Anarchist knitter. Tequila-drinking artsy-smartsy fat chick. Bluesy folk-rock singer-songwriter. Rebel with too many causes. Quirky eclectic pagan poet. Paradoxical intuitive smartass. Sarcastic brainiac insomniac. You know, for starters.