me rambling.....exciting...

I adore beginnings.


The potential of things, people, situations....it's like a drug for me. The fact that right at the start of something, it could be anything. It could go in so many directions. It's not all sorted and boxed in and decided.


I like beginnings for the same reason I love buying blank paper. I like possibilities.


This, I think, explains why, over the course of my life, I have spent so much time starting over. Endings always came very easy for me because they were inevitably followed by beginnings. It's a little bird-in-the-hand, two-in-the-bush, but I think it's what motivated me to keep starting that cycle over and over again. I mean, at first, when I was little, it wasn't my choice. I began again because circumstances forced me to, but as I got older, it became a choice. I craved that renewal, that clean slate, that blank page.


Well, I think I've hit that point they used to tell me about ("they" being all my older and wiser kinfolk and friends and teachers and whoever else I ran across) - that point where I want to "settle down." This is not to say that I want to settle down, that I want to forfeit the adventures in my life...but I think I'm tired of my life consisting so much of beginnings and endings.


I think maybe I'd like a middle.


To go from the sharp shock of a clean break and pick up the pieces and start building again - that's my talent, that's something I've mastered. But to keep building on the same structure, day after day, to find the potentials, the renewals, the beginnings within the context of the bigger picture, without having to start from square one...well, that's new to me.


But the constant breaking down and building up from nothing is beginning to wear me out. I want something more constant. I want something continuous. I want to build a life that might last longer than it takes me to blink my eyes and grow my hair back out.


And people say I'm too intense sometimes. Where on earth would they get that idea?