Loud-mouthed liberal feminist. Anarchist knitter. Tequila-drinking artsy-smartsy fat chick. Bluesy folk-rock singer-songwriter. Rebel with too many causes. Quirky eclectic pagan poet. Paradoxical intuitive smartass. Sarcastic brainiac insomniac. You know, for starters.


A list and some whining - it's like old times!

I think it's time for a list.

1. Yesterday, I'm walking along the sidewalk on the way to Trader Joe's to pick up various lovely organic veggies and such on my newfound quest to induce better health in my sorry-ass self. In case you're not from Chicago, we had *crazy* windiness yesterday. ((Notice my omission of the obligatory "Windy City" joke.)) So, in my infinite wardrobe wisdom, of course I wore a nice swingy skirt. Which obliged me to do the whole "Marilyn over vent" thing I don't know how many times. Anyway, so, as I'm walking down the sidewalk on my organic veggie mission, fighting against the wind to keep my damn clothes on...I meet this huge group of little girls (had to be 30 of them), wearing sashes and holding onto each other's hands trying not to get blown away. The sashes clue me into why they're wandering about en masse, and I finally spy the troop leader as I make my way by. She grins at me - apparently noticing my hands clenched around handsful of skirt in an effort not to flash the poor kids and *really* blow them away - and says, "Hey, at least we're not boy scouts."

2. I picked up a new CD by Mary Chapin Carpenter, which I am loving greatly. Some of the lyrics just blow me away. Like:

I'll keep wondering how we know where we belong
After all the journeys made and the journeys yet to come
When I feel like giving up, instead of going on
Somewhere between here and gone

Isn't that amazing? Or this:

You always had the gift of speed, you'd leave without a trace
It all depended on the need and on the pain you could not face
So you would leave the home you'd found, pack it up without delay
Cut your losses, blow that town, and tomorrow was another day

It's, like, the story of my life. Listening to this CD made me tear up not once, not twice, not three, but four separate times. I was overwhelmed. If you're a restless soul, like I am, I highly recommend it.

3. I'm sort of in denial about my roomie leaving next week. She's moving to LA, got her plane ticket, packing her stuff up, getting rid of everything she's not taking, saying goodbye to her friends...and I'm just not quite fully realizing yet what this means. It hasn't hit me that there'll be no more Sunday afternoon breakfasts at the diner around the corner, no more random barflies or skater-boys bringing her home and hanging out in the middle of the night, no more automatic thrift-shopping and cheesy-movie-watching buddy, no built-in go-to-girl reminding me to get out and try things outside my comfort zone. April and I have lived together for over three years. When I met her, she had pink hair, was dating a much older (and alcoholic) guy, and I'd been warned that she was "flaky." Since then, I've seen her graduate from high school, work her ass off at more jobs than ought to be legal, start college, quit college, vaccillate between being the straight-and-narrow girl her family wants her to be and the woman she has the potential to be when she finds her own way, go through four different cars and...some boys. She's an amazing person, and I wish she could stay, but I think for her own good, for her to have a chance to make her dreams come true, she has to go. And so, instead of wishing she were staying, i just wish her the very best of luck and remind her that she always has a home wherever I am.
4. My birthday is coming up. In 13 days. Not that I'm counting. I'm feeling old. And young. And confused. And strangely coherent. I'm making a number of changes in my life, trying to improve it, make it more harmonious and natural and healthy...and I'm bringing with me all the things about me that never change. It's a bit of a paradox, which, let's be honest, isn't all that unusual in my world. Funny how when you change, sometimes, you become *more* yourself than you ever have been.

Birthdays always make me philosophical.

5. On that topic, I am restless. I am always fucking restless these days, it seems. I constantly feel like I've got all these questions, and that if I look hard enough, the answer must be out there somewhere, just waiting for me to stumble onto it. Generally, when this mood strikes me, I just pack up and go....but I'm not packing, and I'm not going. I'm being left behind. I'm taking the reins and not letting the instincts drive me for once. It's difficult and painful, and the fact that I just spent so much time all by myself, just me and whatever it is about me that feels it necessary to taunt me with the open road....well, I'm not sure if that helped or not. I am bound and determined to stop chasing red herrings and start building an actual life, and I'm making that happen more and more every day (I think so anyway). I'm trying to channel all that restlessness into other stuff - music and art and fucking around with my hair....but I can't seem to escape or satiate or conquer this feeling of "something more" being "out there" whatever and wherever the hell that is.

Oy. I hate being a cliche tortured artist. I'm not a tortured artist. I mean, clearly, I am, but you know....I'm not either. Ugh. Words. Powerful, and yet totally ineffective.

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