33 and all's (mostly) well.

I’m 33 today.

Birthdays, like the turning of the calendar at the new year, are a big deal to me….I like marking time as it passes. I think I find the scale of it, the acknowledgement of my life in a temporal context, comforting somehow. Or alternately, on days when I’m feeling inadequate and insignificant, alarming.

I’m at an interesting juncture in my life – both more at peace with who I am and how I move through the world…and more certain that some things in my life are in need of significant shifts. The past year has brought me down a rough road, but one that I believe eventually leads me to a more authentic, more honest place that’s more in line with my values. I think that’s the big lesson I get every year – the more I learn about me, the less interested I am in trying to meet someone else’s standards, the more bullshit “rules” from society or assumptions I’ve made about what I was “supposed” to do or be I reject utterly in favor of letting my choices come from my internal compass…and my definition of that internal compass gets clearer and clearer.

Unlike the ideas I had when I was a kid, watching my dad navigate a complicated divorce with grace and aplomb at this same age, my current beliefs about “growing up” take into account the fact that I’m probably not going to ever “get my shit together,” let alone really understand what that means in the first place. I feel good about resigning myself to being mostly uncertain about a lot of things. C’est la vie.

So. At 33, I know that I don’t know much, but I’m really interested in learning more. I know that I’m fucking fabulous and probably only going to get cooler. I know that I’ve been blessed with some wonderful gifts and the resources to more or less successfully weather some pretty shitty stuff. I know that I am lucky enough to have a family that – even at its most dysfunctional – loves me very much, and am further honored to call a tremendous roster of truly amazing people friends.

To everyone who’s taken a moment out of their day to wish me happy birthday, my deepest thanks. I have guarded my time and energy so jealously over the past year (even more than usual), and I truly recognize the gift it is to share that moment with someone. I am so grateful for each and every person who took that effort on my account. Between now and my next birthday, I hope that I can find more energy to return the favor, in gratitude for everyone who’s made a little room for me in their thoughts and their lives.