Oy.

There are moments when your world is shaken. There are times when everything around you turns to dust and you just start falling, not sure when you'll ever stop. There are points in your life when the dark is so thick you can't tell if your eyes are closed or open.

I'm an idealist and an optimist. I see the potential in the world, in people, in ideas, and I can't help but set my sights on what I see as the highest good. Though I'm imperfect, I think I have my priorities straight, and I'm even doing my level best to live by them every moment. Even when I'm down, I'm looking up, and when I'm up, I'm looking higher. There's always more, always better, always something worth striving for.

Right now, I'm having trouble making my peace with the fact that ideal isn't a mark most people (if any) can hit. My hopes have been dashed, and I feel like the good thing I thought I had is - while still wonderful - not what I thought I had. I'm disappointed. I'm hurt. I'm sad and tired and I don't understand.

Authenticity and integrity are really important to me. My interpretation of those values often leads me into looking like an antagonizer or a judgmental bitch (which I am, so I can't argue much). I do my very, very best to stick to my core values and identity even if that means being unpopular or ostracized or lonely. I am baffled at why other people don't, though. I cannot grasp the reasons for trying to appear as something other than what you are. If you're happy, be happy....if not, don't. If you're an intellectual, embrace that - a flaky musician, a comic, a stoic, an entertainer, whatever....why hide the truth trying to be artsy if you're not or philosophical if you're not or patient if you're not. That's the kind of shit that causes ulcers.

I strive not to do that. I try very hard to be straightforward about who I am and what I need, and right now, I'm saddened. There are people in my life I thought shared that commitment to reality, to truth....and now I think maybe that was a facade to further ulterior motives and agendas.

But you know, I'll get over it. The world has taught me the lesson of different many times...maybe this time I'll get it.