"...The first step to knowledge of the highest divine symbol of the wonder and
mystery of life is in the recognition of the monstrous nature of life and its
glory in that character: the realization that this is just how it is and that it
cannot and will not be changed. Those who think - and their name is legion -
that they know how the universe could have been better than it is, how it would
have been had they created it, without pain, without sorrow, without time,
without life, are unfit for illumination. Or those who think - as do many - "Let
me first correct society, then get around to myself" are barred from even the
outer gate of the mansion of God's peace. All societies are evil, sorrowful,
inequitable; and so they will always be. So if you really want to help this
world, what you will have to teach is how to live in it. And that no one can do
who has not himself learned how to live in it in the joyful sorrow and sorrowful
joy of the knowledge of life as it is."
- Joseph Campbell, from "Myths to Live By"
I want to thank everyone for the kind words and sympathy. That support helps more than I'm able to express.
So, apparently this is my week to piss off everyone in my life.
My sister appears to be pissed at me, for reasons I'm not sure of. I know part of it is just her working through stuff, working through grief - I'm sure this incident has brought back memories of her miscarriage and the ordeal that came along with that...and there are plenty of other factors, too. But all of us, my whole family, we're all just raw right now, and getting angry at each other doesn't help.
A friend is pissed at me for telling him what I thought, which he disagreed with and apparently that's a hanging offense in his world. I'm amazed this is the first time it's happened between us, since I have such a tendency to forget to filter my words. What's really ironic to me is that he's upset that I wasn't more sensitive to the fact that he's going through a rough time (that he created with choices he made and is now feeling sorry for himself, which is fine, but there's only so long I'm gonna listen to you whine without saying something about how you have chosen for yourself and continue to choose)....when - and I'm trying not to have a pity party for myself here - my nephew has been dead seven days, and I'm just starting to begin the grieving process.
Yeah, you know what? I am fucking insensitive. It's one of the first things I tell people about myself - I'm not very sensitive, and one of my biggest challenges is being compassionate, and sympathy is not something that comes easy for me. I know these things about myself, and I warn the people in my life, and I try to be clear about letting people vent if they need to vent without getting feedback or advice from me....but for fuck's sake, I'm one of those friends who will tell you you're being an asshole if I think you're being an asshole. And if you don't want someone in your life to be that honest with you, than I am not someone you want in your life.
Maybe it's wrong of me to not be able to offer unconditional love to everybody in my life...but that's just how I am right now. I want people in my life who take responsibility for themselves, their actions, and their inaction. I want to be surrounded by people who trust me to be honest with them, and who can return that honesty in kind. I want people in my life who challenge me to reach my highest potential, and who want the same challenge from me.
Meanwhile, I seem to be pissing people off left-right-center. Isn't the first time. Probably won't be the last.