Last week, shortly after I posted my glowy post-solstice happy post, my grandfather passed away.
On the one hand, this was not exactly out of the blue; he was in a car accident a year and a half ago that induced a stroke and left him needing twenty-four hour care. Sometimes he would be relatively lucid, but he was never the same, and I think even those family members who argued otherwise knew that it was only a matter of time. In some ways, his passing is a relief, freeing him from the purgatory of a nursing home.
My grandfather was...just this guy, you know? He worked at a factory until he retired, bowled in a league, drank beer, smoked until the doctors made him stop, played cribbage, hunted and fished. He and my grandma (technically my step-grandma) were kind of the "cool" grandparents - they had a hot tub in the sunroom, a motorcycle in the garage, and they travelled more than most of my relatives. He wasn't any great humanitarian, and I suspect he had a lot of regrets...but he was a good man, as these things go. He enjoyed his life.
His favorite insult, in jest or in seriousness, was "potlicker." Seriously. These are my people.
I didn't have to sing at the funeral (the church wanted, for some reason I don't understand, to pre-record the vocals and play them back with a live organist; needless to say, the singer was less than awesome and the song had zero punch....I could've made it a catharsis, but whatever, obvy the church dude knows best), which was okay with me, since doing so inevitably makes me ball like a baby after. Also, the preacher made sure to mention that the hymn was "a great song for Christians to sing," which had my sister whispering in my ear "yeah, no singing that one, pagan."
The preacher, as per usual in Christian funerals I have attended, attempted to use grief as a recruitment tool for the big team in the sky. I fucking hate having my loved one held hostage in heaven against my repentance. Why does so much of Christianity (as expressed by preachers in church, anyway) seem to hinge on fear and manipulation, when so much of what Christ espoused was based in love and tolerance and good works? I mean, do they cover that stuff when they're teaching the preachers, or is that touchy-feely crap only for the kiddies in Sunday school?
Anyway.
I am officially re-booting the SFSV plan, and going on a break. I am pushing back the recording process until the fall, I am going over my other upcoming obligations and considering which ones I'll maintain, and which ones I'll cancel or delay. If I could take a leave of absence from the office, I'd do that, too. Instead, I'm scaling back my expectations of myself, opening up space in my calendar to watch movies and wander along the lakeshore and get acupuncture and do nothing. I just can't handle trying to juggle much at the moment, and I'm tired of trying. Solstice weekend, with its surprise free time to enjoy the sunshine and indulge in fripperies, is more of what I need. As much as I want to get various projects done...right now the project I'm working on is not feeling like such shit.
Showing posts with label SFSV. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SFSV. Show all posts
6.22.2009
Sunshine and darkness and time passing.
Okay. This week? We're going on a diet. All of us. But this is a diet of a different kind. We're going to regulate the habit of unhappiness. We will make the conscious decision to make the most of what we have and pine for nothing. No undefinable need or vague despair. Enough!!! If you don't like it, FIX IT. If you can't fix it, PLAN B it. If you like it and want more, RESPECT IT. Clean straight lines of living.
- The Mayer, via Twitter
I have been unhappy a lot lately. No matter how many blessings I have tried to consciously celebrate over the past six months or so, I just couldn't shake the doom and gloom that has hung over my head since my grandmother passed away in December. I couldn't ever seem to catch my breath and find the calm, still center of myself, the part that is solid as bedrock regardless of the shaking of the world around me. I'm not used to that happening very often...I tend to - even when I'm standing in the midst of a shitstorm - be able to handle it from that place of groundedness, so that even if life is crap, I still feel okay, like it will pass, like I can handle it and things will eventually get better. I got very scared this time around that I'd lost that light at the end of the tunnel, that tiny glimmer of optimism that somehow manages to survive in the cynicism and sarcasm that is my standard operating procedure even in the best of times. I worried that I was losing hope.
That's only happened to me once before, and it was a warning sign that I needed a huge shift in my life, that something essential was missing, that the core of my life wasn't right. That was the day I dropped out of college, jettisoned my plans to become an engineer, and embarked on the journey to become the weirdo pagan hippie freako musician I am these days. It scared me a lot to think that maybe I was standing on the cusp of another horribly painful transition like that. I like change, but ripping apart my expectations of myself, not to mention my concept of who I am and how I define my own self-worth? Yeah, I could do without something quite that big just now.
(Sometimes, when I type something like this up, I feel incredibly dark and twisty and obnoxious. I recognize how melodramatic and over-the-top it sounds, even while also feeling it's honesty and truth. Can I simultaneously take myself really seriously *and* laugh at my own pomposity?)
Anyway. Last weekend was the Summer Solstice (here in the Northern Hemisphere, anyway), and through a series of unexpected events, I wound up at loose ends. Two days of unplanned, empty, sprawling free time with nobody around (roomie was gone the whole weekend). Just me and myself and 48 hours of sunshine and blue sky. The longest day of the year, and incidentally one of those big ol' holidays us crazy pagans go nuts over.
I won't bore you with the gory details of what all I did with my free time (suffice to say it was awesome and I enjoyed the hell out of it), but during the whole time, there was an undercurrent of reflection and rumination about what exactly was making me unhappy. Some of it, I found, was shit I can't change or control; all I can do there is try to bear with it and breathe deeply and endure. Some of it was shit I choose not to change or control; dealing with this was a matter of examining my choices and deciding to change them, or to make peace with them. Some of it was shit that is absolutely within my ability to shift, but that I haven't...and here's where the work was for me. Why have I been pouting about this stuff, when all along I had the power to embrace it or reshape it or drop it like a fucking hot potato?
Well, you know, I'm human. Sometimes it all gets to be too much, and the system breaks down. While my life experience has taught me that I am lucky enough to live a life where there's nothing that I can't endure, overcome, or walk away from...some of that is easier said than done. Sometimes I don't handle it well, and I lose my center, and I flounder around like a fish out of water. Or a human being out of her depth and at her wit's end. And, sometimes, I have avoided looking at things I'm afraid of, and hampered my own forward progress.
This morning, I read The Mayer's tweets above, and nodded so emphatically I knocked an earbud right out of my ear. Yes! This is where I am. It took the longest, sunshiniest, most gorgeous day, plus hours of connecting with my gawky teenage nasturtiums and my tiny baby basils and my toddling thyme sproutlings and all the other beautiful greenbloods I've invited to live with me....to remind me of how happy I can be. I doubt I'm done with the darkness, but I have had a break, and something has changed. If only a little....still a little.
5.19.2009
Reasons why this day, like its buddy yesterday, can bite me.
1. Allergies. I don't get them every year, only sometimes. Of course, the year I am spending craploads of time and money to record music, which depends on being in good voice, which can't happen with sinuses filled with snot and a scratchy throat....of course, this year, the allergies show up with a vengeance. Awesome. That whole thing about Tauruses having gorgeous singing voices, but also lots of throat-related health problems: fucking true.
2. Assholes on the train. Two mornings in a row now, I have said "excuse me" to the person standing directly in the walkway between me and the doors, had no response, tapped on shoulder and made eye contact and said "excuse me" again, and the person does not move again. I have been twice now forced to basically walk right over people who apparently don't understand that "excuse me" is a polite warning that you're about to get trampled by a fat girl if you don't fucking move your ass out of her way.
3. Being lectured and/or yelled at during a fire drill. A fucking drill, and I got a guy crawling up my ass because 1.) I'm on the phone when the announcement is made (which I can't help) and am trying to wrap up the phone call professionally while also getting with the drill; 2.) I get ten feet from my desk, then turn around to grab some tissues (see above, re: snot-filled sinuses), so I don't have to use my sleeve while the fire dept. rep tells us stuff about emergency drills as if we have never done one before or are unable to recognize the importance of proper emergency procedures (like, hi...you do know we all work in insurance, right?); and 3.) I'm not properly chastened by the lecture about not going back for stuff or carrying stuff, and refuse to get contrite about it. DUDE. It's a fucking drill, and a tissue is not a cup of fucking hot coffee I'm going to spill. Also, you're up my ass to hurry...I wasn't even the last one out. People can *so* kiss my ass today.
4. There will be no Italian class for the moment. I had to cancel that because of work travel stuff. Also, the pottery class that I paid a premium to take? Yeah, I missed last week's and will also be skipping next week's. You know, three out of five classes. Great. Makes me feel like I need to go in and do assloads of studio time to try and get my money's worth. Or at least learn how to throw a pot on the wheel without turning my hands to hamburger or having both forearms go totally numb. As much as I wish the SFSV was going well...evidence indicates the contrary. Le sigh.
5. I'm having trouble remembering just how very lucky I am. I have a home, a job, people who love me, food to eat, clothes to wear, and luxuries most of the world doesn't. I hate that I feel so craptastic, when by all rights I should be grinning every moment of every day. Hey, Self, yer privilege is showing; you might want to see to that.
2. Assholes on the train. Two mornings in a row now, I have said "excuse me" to the person standing directly in the walkway between me and the doors, had no response, tapped on shoulder and made eye contact and said "excuse me" again, and the person does not move again. I have been twice now forced to basically walk right over people who apparently don't understand that "excuse me" is a polite warning that you're about to get trampled by a fat girl if you don't fucking move your ass out of her way.
3. Being lectured and/or yelled at during a fire drill. A fucking drill, and I got a guy crawling up my ass because 1.) I'm on the phone when the announcement is made (which I can't help) and am trying to wrap up the phone call professionally while also getting with the drill; 2.) I get ten feet from my desk, then turn around to grab some tissues (see above, re: snot-filled sinuses), so I don't have to use my sleeve while the fire dept. rep tells us stuff about emergency drills as if we have never done one before or are unable to recognize the importance of proper emergency procedures (like, hi...you do know we all work in insurance, right?); and 3.) I'm not properly chastened by the lecture about not going back for stuff or carrying stuff, and refuse to get contrite about it. DUDE. It's a fucking drill, and a tissue is not a cup of fucking hot coffee I'm going to spill. Also, you're up my ass to hurry...I wasn't even the last one out. People can *so* kiss my ass today.
4. There will be no Italian class for the moment. I had to cancel that because of work travel stuff. Also, the pottery class that I paid a premium to take? Yeah, I missed last week's and will also be skipping next week's. You know, three out of five classes. Great. Makes me feel like I need to go in and do assloads of studio time to try and get my money's worth. Or at least learn how to throw a pot on the wheel without turning my hands to hamburger or having both forearms go totally numb. As much as I wish the SFSV was going well...evidence indicates the contrary. Le sigh.
5. I'm having trouble remembering just how very lucky I am. I have a home, a job, people who love me, food to eat, clothes to wear, and luxuries most of the world doesn't. I hate that I feel so craptastic, when by all rights I should be grinning every moment of every day. Hey, Self, yer privilege is showing; you might want to see to that.
5.05.2009
What's goin' on?
Holy cats, boys and girls and other-gendered beings! Things is flyin' fast and furious 'round these here parts...and certain people are apparently taking advantage of this fact to play fast and loose with things like proper grammar.
Meanwhile.
What's going on with me these days is a whole helluva lot. Allow me to bullet point:
* SFSV is going well in some ways, less well in others. I've got a lot going on that I can't really set aside just now, so I'm still carrying some stress (mostly job-related stuff, which is what it is in this financial climate). I have, however, started the pottery classes (well, class, since I've just had one so far) - which I really am enjoying. I have to be careful, since this is yet another thing that stresses out my thumb-based tendonitis...but I think I can adapt the process to make it bearable. Plus, just the idea of making my own vessels and dishes and such is way exciting - and we haven't even gotten to the wheel-throwing bits yet (tonight!!). I start Italian classes in a couple weeks, and I'm debating taking some pricey sewing classes from a local designer that are apparently awesome enough to justify the price.
* This year, the garden is off to a faster start than last year. Assuming I don't come down with a mystery illness (knock wood), we should have a better harvest this time around. Remains to be seen whether I wind up avoiding the backyard because of the rabid mosquito population, or if the crops get enough sunlight. But! There are chickens (well, still more chicks than hens, but they're growing quickly), and that can only be a good thing.
* I'm now officially working on recording a real, live, actual, fancy-schmancy album, with a producer/engineer and studio musicians and everything. The process has just started, and I am excited to see how it shapes up. If all goes well, I should have a finished product ready to launch by the end of the summer. If you want to get in on the hooplah that will be associated with this, you may want to mark your calendar for something the last weekend in August...
So, that's the basics of what's going on. The next few months are busy like whoa, in the best way. I am sneaking in at least one trip up to the country estate to lounge in my dad's hammock under the apple tree, though, come hell or high water!
Important side note: For those who don't already know, awesome fat activist bloggers Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby wrote a book that was released this week. (Check it out at Powell's or Amazon or at Women & Children First if you're a Chicago local.) I've read Lessons from the Fat-o-sphere, and I can tell you it's really a delightful read. It's also a great introduction to Fat Acceptance, on both a personal and an activist level. So, you know, go buy it. Or get it from your library. Or borrow my copy if you know me.
Meanwhile.
What's going on with me these days is a whole helluva lot. Allow me to bullet point:
* SFSV is going well in some ways, less well in others. I've got a lot going on that I can't really set aside just now, so I'm still carrying some stress (mostly job-related stuff, which is what it is in this financial climate). I have, however, started the pottery classes (well, class, since I've just had one so far) - which I really am enjoying. I have to be careful, since this is yet another thing that stresses out my thumb-based tendonitis...but I think I can adapt the process to make it bearable. Plus, just the idea of making my own vessels and dishes and such is way exciting - and we haven't even gotten to the wheel-throwing bits yet (tonight!!). I start Italian classes in a couple weeks, and I'm debating taking some pricey sewing classes from a local designer that are apparently awesome enough to justify the price.
* This year, the garden is off to a faster start than last year. Assuming I don't come down with a mystery illness (knock wood), we should have a better harvest this time around. Remains to be seen whether I wind up avoiding the backyard because of the rabid mosquito population, or if the crops get enough sunlight. But! There are chickens (well, still more chicks than hens, but they're growing quickly), and that can only be a good thing.
* I'm now officially working on recording a real, live, actual, fancy-schmancy album, with a producer/engineer and studio musicians and everything. The process has just started, and I am excited to see how it shapes up. If all goes well, I should have a finished product ready to launch by the end of the summer. If you want to get in on the hooplah that will be associated with this, you may want to mark your calendar for something the last weekend in August...
So, that's the basics of what's going on. The next few months are busy like whoa, in the best way. I am sneaking in at least one trip up to the country estate to lounge in my dad's hammock under the apple tree, though, come hell or high water!
Important side note: For those who don't already know, awesome fat activist bloggers Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby wrote a book that was released this week. (Check it out at Powell's or Amazon or at Women & Children First if you're a Chicago local.) I've read Lessons from the Fat-o-sphere, and I can tell you it's really a delightful read. It's also a great introduction to Fat Acceptance, on both a personal and an activist level. So, you know, go buy it. Or get it from your library. Or borrow my copy if you know me.
4.09.2009
Compare & contrast.
Things attempting to damage my calm today:
* Woman in elevator at office asks if I'm in tomorrow; I'm confused as to why I wouldn't be. Takes me a minute to realize it's Good Friday, which I don't celebrate because I'm not a Christian, but people assume I'm Christian until/unless I tell them otherwise. Somehow I thought the black nail polish and dyed red hair would be enough to project a stereotype here! Maybe I should start wearing my pentacle to work? Or more tattoos....hmmm...
* Coming through the security doors on my floor of the building, I vaguely hear footsteps before the door closes behind me. A woman says, "Thanks" in total sarcastic mode. What, the eyes in the back of my head were supposed to let me know you wanted me to hold the door? 'Cause clearly you're able to speak....but weren't able to ask me to hold the door since you were, uh, BEHIND ME?
* This article pulled from the Sudan Tribune, talking about the dangers of colonialism inherent in so much charity related to African countries. Makes me question where the donations I've made to "Save Darfur" are really going. Sonuvabitch! But a good reminder to me to do the effin' research before sending money to anything. Intentions are important, but thorough knowledge doesn't hurt. Time to wade into learning more about Sudan, I think.
* E-mails from family members basically telling me I don't trust Yahweh enough and also am un-American for thinking taxes make a better society. Yes, taxes suck, but the alternative sucks worse. Also, stop trying to convince me to have faith in Jesus.
* Danny Glover speaks truth about the Obama administration and racism. A bummer, but also informative.
Things helping me hold on to sanity:
* Ellen Brown preaches to this choir about how banks are totally fucking evil. Maybe not in those words.
* The Mayer explains a fear exercise I love to hate.
* I have started a trend of reflexively un-friending or un-following or un-subscribing stuff that bugs me. I love Chicago Honey Co-op, for example, but yesterday, they were pimping out some article or program or something or other talking about "get off your fat ass and bike to work." Which, you know, just doesn't seem like it's gonna be anything but a bunch of "omg I'm so fat and lazy and disgusting, I need to bike - oh, and starve, too - my way to a socially acceptable body," and you know...I just don't feel like wading through that kinda bullshit just to hear about how the local honeybees are doing. Buh-bye! Ditto bloggers or Facebook friends who are dieting, proselytizing, selling something, or posting total nonsense. Someday I may crawl out of the echo chamber...or maybe not. For now, my brain really appreciates relaxing its tolerance muscles a little. I mean, they get enough exercise at the office, anyway.
* Elle posting at Shakesville about water. This is a beautiful, heartbreaking post.
* Speaking of really awesome posts that tear me up, there's this one from Beth at Fake Plastic Fish, one of my fave green blogs.
* This playlist:
* Woman in elevator at office asks if I'm in tomorrow; I'm confused as to why I wouldn't be. Takes me a minute to realize it's Good Friday, which I don't celebrate because I'm not a Christian, but people assume I'm Christian until/unless I tell them otherwise. Somehow I thought the black nail polish and dyed red hair would be enough to project a stereotype here! Maybe I should start wearing my pentacle to work? Or more tattoos....hmmm...
* Coming through the security doors on my floor of the building, I vaguely hear footsteps before the door closes behind me. A woman says, "Thanks" in total sarcastic mode. What, the eyes in the back of my head were supposed to let me know you wanted me to hold the door? 'Cause clearly you're able to speak....but weren't able to ask me to hold the door since you were, uh, BEHIND ME?
* This article pulled from the Sudan Tribune, talking about the dangers of colonialism inherent in so much charity related to African countries. Makes me question where the donations I've made to "Save Darfur" are really going. Sonuvabitch! But a good reminder to me to do the effin' research before sending money to anything. Intentions are important, but thorough knowledge doesn't hurt. Time to wade into learning more about Sudan, I think.
* E-mails from family members basically telling me I don't trust Yahweh enough and also am un-American for thinking taxes make a better society. Yes, taxes suck, but the alternative sucks worse. Also, stop trying to convince me to have faith in Jesus.
* Danny Glover speaks truth about the Obama administration and racism. A bummer, but also informative.
Things helping me hold on to sanity:
* Ellen Brown preaches to this choir about how banks are totally fucking evil. Maybe not in those words.
* The Mayer explains a fear exercise I love to hate.
* I have started a trend of reflexively un-friending or un-following or un-subscribing stuff that bugs me. I love Chicago Honey Co-op, for example, but yesterday, they were pimping out some article or program or something or other talking about "get off your fat ass and bike to work." Which, you know, just doesn't seem like it's gonna be anything but a bunch of "omg I'm so fat and lazy and disgusting, I need to bike - oh, and starve, too - my way to a socially acceptable body," and you know...I just don't feel like wading through that kinda bullshit just to hear about how the local honeybees are doing. Buh-bye! Ditto bloggers or Facebook friends who are dieting, proselytizing, selling something, or posting total nonsense. Someday I may crawl out of the echo chamber...or maybe not. For now, my brain really appreciates relaxing its tolerance muscles a little. I mean, they get enough exercise at the office, anyway.
* Elle posting at Shakesville about water. This is a beautiful, heartbreaking post.
* Speaking of really awesome posts that tear me up, there's this one from Beth at Fake Plastic Fish, one of my fave green blogs.
* This playlist:
"Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" - John Mayer
"I Got a Name" - Jim Croce
"Mr. Curiosity" - Jason Mraz
"A Case of You" - Jane Monheit covering Joni Mitchell
"The Part Where You Let Go" - Hem
"The Shape I Found You In" - Girlyman
"Running on Faith" - Eric Clapton
"Comfort You" - Denison Witmer covering Van Morrison
"One Good Year" - Slaid Cleaves
"I Drive Alone" - Esthero
"St. Peter" - David Ford
"Rootless Tree" - Damien Rice
"By Way of Sorrow" - Cry, Cry, Cry
"Heart of the Matter" - India.Arie covering Don Henley
"They Were Wrong" - Matthew Ryan
"Dear Chicago" - Ryan Adams
"She's Out of My Life" - Josh Groban covering Michael Jackson
"Mexico" - Kim Richey covering CAKE
"Say It To Me Now" - Glen Hansard
"31 Today" - Aimee Mann
"Spilt Milk" - Matt Duke
"Ain't No Love" - David Gray
"Gravity" - John Mayer
3.26.2009
SFSV: the latest.
(So, I'm starting my summer vacay in spring. I know. Semantics, people.)
Two parts of the Stress Free Summer Vacay (SFSV) plan of action are taking a bunch of classes, and working on recording an album.
On the taking classes side, things are a bit dicey thus far....although Metromix was present with a TV camera to interview me about my experience, the drum class I planned to take may not pan out after all, due to low enrollment. (Seriously, if you have $95 to spare, live in Chicago, and have any interest in accompanying bellydancers, this is totally the right class! Click here and SIGN UP ASAP, or it's cancellation city.) Classes on the agenda a bit down the road: pottery at Lillstreet, Italian at Discovery Center, and maybe some workshops at Chicago Hot Glass. I may add another language or something, if the drum class doesn't pan out. We shall see.
On the music side of the house, I met a guitarist/engineer/producer last night that I'm going to be working with to sort out an album's worth of tunage and get it all laid down right and proper. No half-ass demo shit, no "adequate but not spectacular" shit...I'm going for polish, which means hiring other people to do the work that isn't songwriting and singing. The first step of that is done, and now I just have to funnel money and time into the project to wrap it up. I suspect it may take months. And I'm mostly okay with that.
In other news, I've sorted my feed reader with a Pollyanna filter, so hopefully I can stop worrying about the fucking fiscal disaster on Wall Street and start regrowing all the brain cells that were killed in the rage...
Two parts of the Stress Free Summer Vacay (SFSV) plan of action are taking a bunch of classes, and working on recording an album.
On the taking classes side, things are a bit dicey thus far....although Metromix was present with a TV camera to interview me about my experience, the drum class I planned to take may not pan out after all, due to low enrollment. (Seriously, if you have $95 to spare, live in Chicago, and have any interest in accompanying bellydancers, this is totally the right class! Click here and SIGN UP ASAP, or it's cancellation city.) Classes on the agenda a bit down the road: pottery at Lillstreet, Italian at Discovery Center, and maybe some workshops at Chicago Hot Glass. I may add another language or something, if the drum class doesn't pan out. We shall see.
On the music side of the house, I met a guitarist/engineer/producer last night that I'm going to be working with to sort out an album's worth of tunage and get it all laid down right and proper. No half-ass demo shit, no "adequate but not spectacular" shit...I'm going for polish, which means hiring other people to do the work that isn't songwriting and singing. The first step of that is done, and now I just have to funnel money and time into the project to wrap it up. I suspect it may take months. And I'm mostly okay with that.
In other news, I've sorted my feed reader with a Pollyanna filter, so hopefully I can stop worrying about the fucking fiscal disaster on Wall Street and start regrowing all the brain cells that were killed in the rage...
3.23.2009
Things that are true.
I've been trying not to marinate in depression since my grandma died in December, and having various levels of success. The fact that other things in my life are genuinely sucking (no matter how fucking lucky I really am when I put things in perspective, shitty stuff is still shitty and I think it's okay for me to not like it), some of which have been within my control and some of which have not, has not helped matters in this regard.
I'm also feeling some Rage-Against-the-Machine fatigue. Spending every day reminding myself how much bullshit is going on in the world, it's weighing on me. Rampant misogyny, lack of marriage equality, capitalist shenanigans, people living in poverty and oppression and hunger and disease and war-zones and wage slavery and toxic environments, global warming, yada yada. I'm having trouble finding a thought in my head that doesn't fill me with dread and despair. And, you know, that can't be good.
So. Plan of action: Summer Vacay.
I think I might just give myself permission to stop fighting the patriarchy, keeping up with current events, or trying to reduce my environmental impact. I don't know if I actually can pull it off anymore, but I think I'm gonna try. I'm gonna take some classes (Drumming! Pottery! Italian! Whee!), see a lot of movies, get out of town a bit, go shopping whenever I want, and see if I can't get the ulcer to chill out, the sleep to come back, and the upper back to unclench.
And if that doesn't work, well...I may just be more Goth than I thought.
I'm also feeling some Rage-Against-the-Machine fatigue. Spending every day reminding myself how much bullshit is going on in the world, it's weighing on me. Rampant misogyny, lack of marriage equality, capitalist shenanigans, people living in poverty and oppression and hunger and disease and war-zones and wage slavery and toxic environments, global warming, yada yada. I'm having trouble finding a thought in my head that doesn't fill me with dread and despair. And, you know, that can't be good.
So. Plan of action: Summer Vacay.
I think I might just give myself permission to stop fighting the patriarchy, keeping up with current events, or trying to reduce my environmental impact. I don't know if I actually can pull it off anymore, but I think I'm gonna try. I'm gonna take some classes (Drumming! Pottery! Italian! Whee!), see a lot of movies, get out of town a bit, go shopping whenever I want, and see if I can't get the ulcer to chill out, the sleep to come back, and the upper back to unclench.
And if that doesn't work, well...I may just be more Goth than I thought.
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