FUotD: PETA

Hey, PETA: FUCK YOU!

For most of us, summer is fading fast, but for residents of Jacksonville, Florida, bikini season lasts all year. What does the Sunshine State's endless summer mean for PETA? Our phone lines ring off the hook with reports of "beached whale sightings." Good one, guys.

Luckily, we know the secret to getting—and maintaining—a killer beach bod. Did you know that vegetarians are 20 to 30 percent leaner than meat-eaters? So, to help residents and tourists "lose the blubber"—and hopefully to deter prank callers—we're launching a brand-new billboard urging people to go vegetarian:

I'm not linking the post from PETA's blog quoted above, nor am I displaying the billboard in question (you can get them from Lesley's post at Fatshionista if you want 'em).

You know what, PETA? It is pretty damn unlikely that going veggie or vegan will actually result in a "killer beach bod" for many people. Even if I became a vegan and suddenly weighed 30% less...I would still weigh over 200 pounds, which I'm pretty sure would still qualify me as a "whale" by PETA standards.

Also, there are so many really good, ethical reasons to reduce or elminate meat consumption...taking it to a place of fat shaming is a lowest-common-denominator approach that doesn't actually fix the problem. It doesn't actually explain to people the reality of the impact of CAFOs or factory farms, and I highly doubt it will elicit any permanent lifestyle changes for most people.

So, PETA, shame on you. Fuck you for using scare tactics to try to manipulate people into making intimately personal decisions based not on facts and reality, but on fear. Fuck you for spreading total misinformation, encouraging disordered eating, and shoring up misogyny, racism, and fat hatred.

In conclusion, you incredible douchebags: FUCK YOU.

I'm throwing two boots at Bush!

I'm throwing two boots at Bush, during his last moments as anything more than a tragic historical footnote.

I'm throwing those boots for all the millions of people whose lives have been made worse by the misguided decisions and policies of the Bush administration. I'm throwing them for the soldiers and civilians who have died in a needless war. I'm throwing them for the disregarded civil rights, for the disregarded human rights, for the disregarded principles and lessons of history. I'm throwing them for the voiceless and oppressed, the forgotten and the ignored.

Bush, Cheney, Rove, and everybody else that willfully conspired in the horrors of the past eight years: though this moment is overflowing with new hopes and anticipation of dramatic and beautiful change, I do not forget your actions. I curse you with Justice.

Also: FUCK YOU.

FUCK YOU doesn't seem to cover it today.

My thoughts today are with my comrades in the Twin Cities, who have bravely chosen to protest the RNC. They have been met with interference at every step, including "Homeland Security" and other resources purported to fight "terrorism." This video is horribly disturbing on its own merits, but is even more unsettling because the man being attacked so brutally is someone I know and have worked with.

Where the fuck is justice in this?

Where the fuck is freedom in this?

Where the fuck is there anything to be proud of?

How can anyone purport to call herself a "patriot" and think this is okay?

Where the fuck is the outrage from the RNC itself? They have the power to make this end, to stand up for true American values, to halt violence used against AMERICANS right here on our own soil...not by faceless scary brown people whose countries are sitting on top of resources we covet and whose cultures we don't really understand...but by "fellow Americans" in riot gear and using chemical weapons.

Who the fuck is the terrorist in this scenario?

Hey, John McCain (or your new puppetmaster, Karl Rove): stop this. Or FUCK YOU more than usual.

UPDATE: The ACLU is calling for an investigation into RNC shenanigans. Also, brownfemipower has an awesome entry about why this stuff matters.

UPDATE 2: Found this post through Twin Cities Indy Media, and it is awesome; it talks about the point of what's happening at the RNC, and some ideas about civil disobedience and nonviolent direct action in general.

UPDATE 3: This listing from Common Dreams outlines some of the violence and targetting of activists and journalists. CREDO Action has an action going to call out the major news networks for not screaming about this threat to a free press.

FUotD: the State of Alabama! (DIS-honorable mention to Business Week's Philip Rawls)

When I lived in Atlanta and spent many months driving I-20 into Anniston, Alabama to visit my sister while she was in Basic Training at Ft. McClellan, I heard this joke a lot:

Q: What's the only good thing to come out of Alabama?

A: I-20!

Today, there's this bullshit (via Shakesville):

Alabama, pushed to second in national obesity rankings by deep-fried Southern favorites, is cracking down on state workers who are too fat.

The state has given its 37,527 employees a year to start getting fit -- or they'll pay $25 a month for insurance that otherwise is free.

Let's start with the complete non-starter about "deep-fried Southern favorites." Skinny people eat fried foods all the time without getting fat (ummmm, Michael Phelps, anyone?)...and not eating fried foods doesn't make people skinny. ('Cause seriously, I hate me some fried foods.)

What bugs me about this is that this is, essentially, an employer gathering personal and private information about its workers, and then using this to affect the benefits some workers receive along with their paychecks (and let's not forget that we're talking about Alabama, one of the lowest-ranked states in terms of median income - hmmmm, the poverty-fatness combo again; wonder if there's a connection?). And what personal data will they be using to determine who pays and who doesn't? Our old friend, the BMI!

The board will apply the obesity charge to anyone with a body mass index of 35 or higher who is not making progress. A person 5 feet 6 inches tall weighing 220 pounds, for example, would have a BMI of 35.5. A BMI of 30 is considered the threshold for obesity.

The board has not yet determined how much progress a person would have to show and is uncertain how many people might be affected because everyone could avoid the charge by working to lose weight.

So, we know the BMI is crap...but I particularly love the part where there not sure how to measure progress. (Maybe that's because diets don't work, or something.) My fave part is that "everyone could avoid the charge" by "working to lose weight." I wonder if anybody's ever considered that maybe the fatties have tried (and are probably still trying) to lose weight a few times before. Jackholes!

Here's the piece that will inevitably be overlooked:

A recent study suggested that about half of overweight people and nearly a third of obese people have normal blood pressure and cholesterol levels, while about a quarter of people considered to be normal weight suffer from the ills associated with obesity.

...because the State of Alabama can't pocket $300 a year per fat person if they recognize that health cannot be regulated, or at least that fat is not the same thing as unhealthy.

I also love that they quote the state employees' union as not being upset:

Mac McArthur, executive director of Alabama State Employees Association, said the plan is not designed to punish employees.

"It's a positive," he said.

Riiiight. Not designed to punish employees. Only take some of their money. Those are totally different things.

Honestly, this program is similar to a "wellness" program at my company; if I joined the program, got a "health coach" and followed whatever steps they told me I should, I would save $20 a month on my premiums. But you know what? My weight is none of my employer's fucking business, and $20 a month is something I can afford to spend to preserve my privacy. Is it right, though? Is it fair that I basically pay a premium to be fat and insured? Hell, no. It's total crap.

The part that sucks hardest is that the people (substantially women, I bet) with the least financial resources are probably also the ones who'll be stuck finding a way to budget in an extra $25 a month because they don't have time, money, or the resources it takes to force their bodies to lose weight. I smell eating disorders and starvation - if they aren't already there.

So, yeah, State of Alabama: FUCK YOU!

FUotD Two-fer: Anthony Bourdain & Ted Nugent

Here's a link to what's crawling up my ass. I almost want to call it hate speech. Almost. Here are some of the most offensive portions...

1. Nugent: Obesity is vulgar and "displeasing to look at." Wait, Nuge - is it about health, or not?

2. Bourdain: "I'm not saying everybody should be a Victoria's Secret model...though it would be nice." 'Cause it's not the fat dudes that piss you off, is it, Bourdain? Just the chicks that aren't meeting your (dick's) physical preferences. I'm not saying everyone shouldn't be a misogynist douche....oh, wait - I guess I kinda AM saying that.

3. Nugent: "It's so ugly." Still not about health, is it, Nuge? "How dare a nation who clearly doesn't care about their health, dare ask for health care? And the obesity is the most vile, vulgar abuse of the personal responsibility of caring about your health." Ah, right. Setting aside your apparent inability to speak English, you know what's vile and vulgar? Assuming you know something about total strangers based on what they look like. In fact, I'm fairly certain there have been entire movements based on stepping away from that premise...but then, I think I read once that you're a racist fucker, too. "But 99% of the sperm whales walking the streets of this country, they got up in the morning, and they go 'I'm fatter than a fucking pig, and here's a list of things I should not do and I should not eat, and I'm doing all of them today, again.' They choose to make deadly, suicidal - not just mistakes to their own life, but you and I are paying dearly for it." Um, yeah....I can tell you're really coming from a place of caring about people's health. Fuckstick. Also interesting: I make "suicidal" mistakes every single day....and yet persist in not dying. What gives, Nuge??

4. Bourdain: "Don't block my fucking exit door, 'cause I'm coming right through you." Really? You and what army? 'Cause seriously, douchebag, try it and I will break you.

5. Nugent: "I just don't like it." My heart bleeds for you, asshole. I don't like some of your choices either, but I'm not advocating you suffer systemic prejudice every fucking moment of your life. I think your karma will probably be burden enough. "You can't eat that - you're way too fat." Wow, I never realized that if I stopped eating, I wouldn't be so fucking fat! Thanks for pointing that out to me, Nuge! On the other hand, you should shut the fuck up, 'cause you're way too ignorant. Tell you what, I'll stop eating if you'll stop talking.

6. Bourdain: "See, this is the problem. When I grew up, it was okay to pick on the fat kid in class. 'Cause you were an undesirable blobboid....Now that would be unthinkable; you have chosen an alternative lifestyle." First off, remind me when you grew up exactly? I'm confused, what with all the five-uear old name-calling (see: "blobboid"). Plus, what planet do you come from, that it's suddenly not okay to pick on the fat kid? 'Cause I'm pretty motherfucking sure that it is generally still "okay" to pick on the fat kid. The media seem to think so. Fat people seem to think so. Children, adults, and anyone who's not living under a rock (and probably a few folks who are) seem to think so. So tell me, jackhole, where do you get the idea that it's suddenly not okay to pick on the fat kid (or fat grown-ups, for that fucking matter). And, more importantly, what fucking planet do you come from that you think it should be okay to pick on ANY HUMAN BEING??

7. Nugent: "I think that everyone should be free to make choices, until that choice includes you shitting upstream from my choices....When your choices end up coming out of my paycheck, that's when it must come to a screeching halt. Because nothing I do causes your paycheck to dwindle, so the least you could do is the same respect for me." Okay, let's see if I can explain this to you, Nuge: we don't get to pick where our tax money is spent. I tell you what, though, I'll stop stealing your money by being fat if you'll stop stealing my money by supporting the military industrial complex, trickle-down economics, a completely un-just and unjustifiable bloody war, and getting your fucking religion all the fuck over my government. You stop supporting all that ignorant, oppressive, unethical bullshit....and then maybe I'll see what I can do about my share of the money all the fatties are taking from you. Plus, seriously, Nuge....do you get a paycheck anymore? What the fuck do you even DO?

In conclusion, Boring Bourdain and the Nuge-meister: FUCK YOU!!

FUotD: Yelling Guy in Rogers Park

So, this evening, I decided to go out into the fabulous (though buggy) permaculture gardens in the back yard, and play some music for the plants. (I'm one of those cheesy people who thinks plants do better when you talk to them and play music for them and generally give them personal energy and attention. So, you know, I do that stuff a lot.)

I took my guitar back, and did a round of watering and chatting and petting and grooming, and then I settled on a bench with my guitar to play some tunage. I played the new protest song I wrote last week (the first protest song I've written that I don't think totally sucks). I played a couple originals. Then I pulled out an Appalachian folk song mashup I put together...

And halfway through, some jackass yells "Shut the FUCK UP!"

I slowly stop playing, asking myself if he could possibly be talking to me...and then I realize that of COURSE he's talking to me; I'm the only one playing loud enough to be heard all up and down the block.

So, I pause and gather my thoughts, and yell back, "Thanks, that was really polite!"

And then I take my guitar back inside, and try to figure out if I'm pissed or embarrassed or hurt or some weird combo of all three. Needless to say, though, what really creeps up my ass is the fact that this jerkface couldn't treat me like a fellow human being and yell something like, "Hey, I'm trying to study, could you tone it down a bit?" or "My baby just got to sleep, would you mind playing more quietly?" or something polite and courteous and not asshole-ish.

I get that not everyone likes Appalachian folk music, or my voice, or my guitar playing, or whatever. But I still think that could be expressed in a way that acknowledges that the person you're talking to is a human being worthy of respect.

So, hey, yelling guy in Rogers Park: FUCK YOU!!

FUotD: Barack Obama

I can't believe I'm saying this, but...hey, Barack Obama: FUCK YOU!

Here's the e-mail I just sent through Obama's Senate website:

Dear Senator Obama:

It is with sadness and confusion that I write to you today. I was shocked to read today's headlines indicating your support and planned expansion of George W. Bush's Faith Based Charity policy, as well as your position that some hiring and firing based on religion was allowable.

I understand the fine line you walk as a politician, needing to compromise with many differing viewpoints in order to move the country forward. Although I disagree with the positions, I get why you supported the FISA compromise, why you have developed more nuanced positions on Israel and diplomacy and complicated issues. I don't fault you for trying to find a way to appropriately represent all Americans, and to make decisive choices in complex situations.

I cannot for the life of me, though, understand why a liberal (let alone a progressive) would support a program that has eroded the separation of Church and State, without improving social services or the overall well being of Americans one whit, and would pile on additional exemptions that amount to discrimination on the base of religious beliefs. As a non-Christian, this is near and dear to my heart, and any allowance for religious discrimination feels like the first step on a slippery slope leading to further discrimination that has the potential to impact my life in tangible ways.

I believe that faith based social services are wonderful things...but they should absolutely be funded privately by people who support the faith itself, and not using my tax dollars. I believe these programs do vital work, and help lots of people...but I also have no doubts that the helping hands come with the price tag of evangelism, and that's not something I'm interested in funding.

I also believe that there are social service programs that provide equal or better assistance without the added burden of religious coercion - and to reduce or divert funds from these truly equal opportunity organizations seems almost criminal to me. Since I don't have the ability to directly determine what my tax dollars are paying for, I rely on you to speak for me...and in this matter, that's just not happening.

I have been so happy to have you representing me in Congress these past few years. I was thrilled to see you enter the Presidential race. I believe that you have the potential to reverse much of the damage of the Bush administration...but adding fuel to the already volatile fire of religious conflict in this country is not part of the healing I believe this country needs. Please reconsider this position.

Best regards,
Tari Follett

FUotD: Chicago Cab Companies

So, this is aimed NOT at cabbies themselves, who I have found to be generally awesome and friendly and helpful (with a couple notable exceptions - and yeah, I mean the ones who invite me to go to Vegas with them and/or drive in such a way as to make me both carsick and afraid for my life). I have no problem with cabbies. It's their fucking dispatchers I have a beef with.

So, last night, I wend my way to Target to get cat litter and various crap I probably could live without (but choose not to). I do my shopping, and - like I always do - park my cart outside and call my go-to cab service. The dispatcher takes my info, and ten minutes later (praise be!), she calls back to say the driver is out front and will be there shortly.

That's lightning-fast for a cab! I'm so excited. For once, maybe I have good taxi karma - it's a miracle!

Minutes go by. Five. Eight. Ten. I call the dispatch and sit on hold, trying to ind out what the fuck happened between "he's out front" and "will be there shortly." As I'm sitting on hold, the dispatcher calls me. I switch over the call, and she start groveling...apparently the cabbie had engine trouble, and they have to send me another cab. She apologizes profusely, and says she'll get someone right out to me. I'm cool with that; it's only been ten minutes, and this dispatcher is treating me as though I am a customer worthy of her courtesy. AWESOME.

So, ten minutes go by. Twenty. Nothing. I call the dispatch to check in. I get a different dispatcher (and with this small company, that means it's probably shift change. Fuck!), one I've dealt with before and did not have a great time. She says, "We're still trying to find someone for you. Do you still want to wait?"

UH, HELLO? I called a cab. This means I probably don't have a whole lot of other transportation options. ('Cause if you engage a brain cell, you might realize that I'm at a Target, and probably bought a bunch of stuff that doesn't travel well on a bus, or on my back. MORON.) I mean, if my magic carpet wasn't in the shop, I'd just whistle it up and get on with things, but since it IS in the shop, yeah, I'll keep waiting for a fucking cab!

Jeebus. Fucking people!

So, time goes by, and still nothing. Twenty more minutes (which makes almost an hour total I've been waiting), and I call dispatch again, where the lady gives me this pissy tone and says she just doesn't have anyone in that area, and do I still want to keep waiting. I say, "Well, could you send someone over here?" And she says she just can't seem to get anyone. So, I say, in a not-so-happy voice, "Well, if you can't get me a cab, I'll have to call another service..."

And she says, "Sorry we couldn't help you," and HANGS UP.

Holy shit, I was so pissed. So I dial my back-up cab company, wait on hold, and put in my order. I prepare myself for another twenty minute wait. It's been over an hour now....I'm hungry....I'm cranky....I'm seriously considering looking at how I can fit a car in my budget, 'cause this shit gets old fast.

I wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. Half an hour passes, and I hear nothing from the dispatch. So I call them up, sit on hold, and finally get someone. I tell them I'm following up on an order I placed earlier, and she says (can you believe this?!), "I still haven't found anyone for you. Do you want to keep waiting?"

I PRACTICALLY LOSE MY MIND. I tell her, yeah, I don't have another good option. I tell her I'll pay double fare (she immediately says, "We're not asking you to do that" and I say "I know, but I'm just saying that I will"). She says, "Well, ma'am, I'll try to get someone over there."

Now, I've worked dispatch before (for a wrecker company, not a cab company, just to be transparent). I recognize that it's a little different with cabs, since they're much more independent about how they operate, and I get that they probably want to stay in areas that have more customers. But for fuck's sake, I'm a goddamned good tipper - good enough to merit taking a little jaunt out of Lincoln fucking Park and the Mag fucking Mile to drive a girl and her Target swag home! Plus, hello...I know it's Saturday night and I'm supposed to be out drinking my weight in tequila, but does the fact that I'm not make me less worthy of decent fucking customer service?!

Anyway.

Finally, about ten minutes after the last phone call, a cab shows up. He was just coming on shift, and lived in the area, and did me a huge favor by swinging over my way before heading down to tourist-and-drunkard town. He was kind of an ass about it, but I gave him $20 for a $9 cab ride, and I say that is fucking fair. He was very nice after that, helped me carry my stuff, gave me his cell number so I could call him specifically if I got stuck like that again. (I kinda wanted to be like, "Dude, I don't pay that well every time. Only when I'm desperate.")

So, yeah, I made it home. And my ice cream was only slightly melted.

So, Chicago Cab Companies: FUCK YOU!

FUotD: SBD Guy on the el!!

Typically, the "Fuck You of the Day" involves some national figure or group that has said or done something so terribly offensive that my brain can only just manage to kick out the words "Fuck You" in response. Today, however, we have a new kind of FUotD.

Hey, dude who farted right in my face on the goddamn el last night: FUCK YOU!!

Seriously, this dude ripped a truly foul SBD, with his ass mere inches from my nose. How rude is that shit??

For those unfamiliar with riding a CTA train, in a typical car there are four sets of seats that run parallel to the walls of the train, all of them abutting partitions that outline the doors of the car. The partitions are half metal (or possibly some sort of wood veneer?), half glass, with an open space of about ten inches between the two sections. Often, as the train fills up, people will lean their backs against the partition...if you happen to be sitting in one of the seats next to the partition - depending on the height of the person leaning on it - you may just be eye to asshole with a total stranger. Needless to say, ripping a fart in those circumstances is almost like shitting on someone's dinner plate.

So last night, I was on a pre-Cubs-game crowded train, and took the seat right next to one of the partitions. I tilted my head back against the wall behind me (thank gods I didn't lean against the partition itself - yikes!), and commenced snoozing. All went well while we were underground - Cubs fans got on at every stop, and a bunch who'd clearly been having some pre-game drinkies along Rush Street got on at Chicago and stood in the door areas, leaning against the partition. No worries so far....but then a few stops later, just as we were pulling away from Belmont....my nose detected something that was....just....not....right.

My eyes started watering, and I almost gagged. It smelled like this guy had opened a bag of sun-baked-decomposing-roadkill flavored potato chips in his pants!! I wanted to tap him on the shoulder and suggest he try a little fiber or something, 'cause DAYAM his bowels must surely be rotting from the inside out! I hurriedly tucked my nose into my sweater and managed to not suffocate in the methane cloud that had enveloped my head. A few seconds later, at Addison, the guilty party and his gaggle of friends traipsed off the train, leaving behind the ghost of a horrific and vomitous smell, not to mention me, fighting not to choke and/or puke.

It would not have been hard to turn around and aim that shit into some free space, or at least somewhere there wasn't a nose at ass level. Hell, it was only a couple minutes to Addison, where this dude could have ripped it in the open air....but NO, he had to send his nasty express mail right up my nostrils!!

I know everybody farts, man. It happens. It's natural and unavoidable, and I am not one of those prissy people who thinks farts only belong in bathrooms or when you're totally alone. Farts happen, and I get that. But. I also think that it's not all that hard to hold an awareness of where I'm farting, and try to avoid blowing a stinker right in someone's face.

So, yeah, dude, FUCK YOU. And may I suggest you try some Colon Blow?

FUotD: Maureen Dowd

Hey, Maureen Dowd: FUCK YOU!

FUotD, plus bonus Canada love.

Hey, Burger King: FUCK YOU!

Oh, and how much does Quebec freakin' rock? If - by some foul circumstance - we don't wind up with a Democrat in the White House next January...Canada is looking better and better...

Fuck You of the Day: John McCain

Hey, John McCain: FUCK YOU!